a way to die

So here's my thoughts. I am in a terrible state right now. I cannot trust anyone around me. I feel too sensitive being around people, my closest friends or watching the news. Humans are horrible to each other, but some humans are good. It's a mix and it's confusing.

I've had a relationship with a boy who treated me like shit but says he loves me. I get over him day by day. I laugh, I study and I've seen a lot of the world through travelling. My feelings change constantly but up until now and 6 months ago, I have felt horrible. I don't get the point. I am a human being who have setbacks and then get happy again, and setbacks and then get happy again. For example. I can get completely over my ex. But so what? How can it matter anyway? It's hard to write this without crying my eyes out. It feels like there's no escape. I'm to scared to kill myself and I try to contact my guardian angels, other outwordly communities - I'm being told I have to be patient because you don't get contact just like that.

WHY THE FUCK NOT`?????? (sorry my language). Why are we put here on this planet if I can't even get a respond from angels or whatever? I have been trying for YEARS and I did really not sound like the impationt depressive person I sound like now. Is this it? This is human life? I'm supposed to go through emotional rollercoasters until my death? And after my death I'll get reborn into this shit? Sorry again for my language. I am a patient girl, I am loving, I care, I am curious about life. I can meditate, I can be calm yet always get out of balance. Even if I managed to be in balance: so what? What does it matter? I am trapped here, I feel trapped :( it does not feel good..i don't know what to do. I don't know why I am writing but it's in the middle of the night and I am lost. I get no connection and even if I did, I still don't understand this. I have felt presence, advice and weird things that's been happening to me. Maybe it's someone out there. But what's the point anyway, to end up in eternal bliss? Why do I need to go through hell on earth - or heaven on earth for that matter - what's the POINT?

There is one guy that I am smitten by and he's travelling the world tomorrow. Maybe I'll never see him again. This doesn't make me sad but it does make me long. And if I die without having been with him, that's a loss. But who really cares? It's just a feeling. If I decide to be this feeling, it will hurt. If I deside not to, I'll be happy. But what does it really matter? What can I do to get out of this world, the mess. Is there a way to stop living without killing myself. I guess tomorrow I'll put on my mp3 and listen to music and get into a good mood. And the next day I'll be sad but a little bit happy. Then happy and very very sad and blabla! How do one stop feeling? And sure: theres probably a lot for me to learn from all the pain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stronger for what? More pain? .... How to I get out from being myself?

I want to thank you all for your answers, each and everyone means a lot to me. I can relate to the lyrics in the songs your showing. You are so helpfull and give me much advice, yet it feels like it's some sort of core in me that is empty, and not just a mood, so I hope your words will make sense for me one day. Some of them already do. This day was strange to me. It is the first time in my life (as I can remember) that I felt completely indifferent and uncomfortable among people. I usually 'bite my teeth' and accept whatever comes but today I felt angry and frustrated at all the energies that has been pulling me down. When friends talked to me, it was as if I couldn't really hear and what I did hear had no vibration to it. Even laughter was pretty empty, and everyone says so many words with no true meaning. not even things that used to fascinate me, like evolution and psychology, holds an interest. I have had this feeling of empty since winter 2008 but it has come and gone, it's very strong at this point:

today I walked across a corn field to get home because I was done at college for the day, and a cat was sitting right in front of me and it was beautiful and wouldn't move. I didn't dare to touch it, it was too beautiful. I would normally get excited and wonder why it is sitting there watching me, I would feel curious but the bittersweet thing is that I didn't smile or anything. I didn't feel anything. I don't feel much expect emptiness. Things just exist, they really don't do anything else for me, they don't give me an reaction.

You tell me a lot of interesting things, like perhaps my guardian angels have left me to make me stronger in a way and that I am going through a transcition. I believe in all this, yet I don't understand why I need to get stronger or live at all. There have been moments during the last years where a friend or a random person has been contacting me with crucial help without them knowing it, so I do believe there are angels among me even though they may not look like the angels I have imagined. When I call for higher dimensions, I feel strange and sometimes a little nascious, as if my aura is 'dragged' to the right, left and up. I basically feel I need to evaluate everything I've imagined about the other realm.. and I understand I need to get to know the self in me, but this 'self' is empty so I'ts a sad way to go alone. At the same time I want you to know that I don't feel sorry for myself, it's more an angry-I'm-sick-of-this-feeling. All your words help me. Even though I don't reply to everyone of you, this is a sum up and I do read everything you send. Like I have these past years, I start to cry randomly by just reading a sentence or hearing a tone in a song, so I want to thank you all, you are amazing.

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Replies

kahlila May 20, 2010 at 8:27pm

~oh yeah... i know this dance too! lol..~ wacky stuff! ;0)
katrine May 20, 2010 at 11:35am

i know! I took a long walk yesterday, by a place I have not been before, small neighbourhoods, a river etc. and I saw three different cats, all beautiful. one was sitting on a bench and looked so royal, the other one just looked at me and came for a cuddle. but the last one was special, i had gone the wrong way and was not sure where I was headed (i wasn't scared though) and a little tired I looked to the right and there was a little road, a grey/black cat was sitting about 20 meters on the middle of the road looking at me. it looked for so long! i also started talking to the Source; OK i get it, you're with me. :) My logical sense tells me that they're just cats, but just by observing its eyes, its easy to know there's something more. Funny thing is that I kept on walking ahead, not into the right and after a lot of walking wrong, the only way home turned out to be where the cat was sitting.. haha.
kahlila May 19, 2010 at 9:01pm

~aw... queen! such a great song & video!~ yay! i dunno whether to laugh or cry! wallows away! i do this too, when i get bummed (& we ALL get bummed sometimes!) i listen to sad songs, eat gummy bears, & have a good cry... then: exhale~ the sun after the storm! ~the show MUST go on!~ i refuse to quit, that'd be far too boring. i too, surrender instead...
Super7DsMom May 19, 2010 at 4:47pm

LOL and thanks I never said that the person was a male or female and the sentence that i had of being the best beacon of light for him was him as my god or creator..I should think about how I put my sentences together sometimes more! LOL Thanks you again for the complement! Love! And (SMILES) :)
Super7DsMom May 19, 2010 at 7:05am

This was all great..and it replenishes my soul ..this is what we are here for as lightworkers..to help others find the light..and support each other along the way and to know that we are not alone. I still have times yet that I feel abandoned that know one understands me but here is a place for all of us to help one another. To remind us of what we have been threw ourselves and realise that others who are waking up and do not understand what we do now understand. Not only here where we can because we have the ways and means...(computers ect) there are others that do not have these that are out there among us..in our everyday lives as we pass down the street..or live next door to us that need the same love and compasion..just the small stuff seems to make the diffrence sometimes. We are suppose to be examples and the beacons of light. So that someone might just ask you..what makes you this way.

I think all the time of the little song that they used to sing in church ...this little light of mine, I'm gonna make it shine!
when I think of what I am doing here on this planet.

I have had a bunch of people, more lately than ever, ask me what is it about you..or total stranger come up and say
you have a Aura around you..that I can not explain but I had to tell you I noticed..I just had to talk to you. I just hope that every day that I am the best beacon of light that I can be for him!

Hope, LOve and Peace!
katrine May 18, 2010 at 10:21pm

I want to thank you all for your answers, each and everyone means a lot to me. I can relate to the lyrics in the songs your showing. You are so helpfull and give me much advice, yet it feels like it's some sort of core in me that is empty, and not just a mood, so I hope your words will make sense for me one day. Some of them already do. This day was strange to me. It is the first time in my life (as I can remember) that I felt completely indifferent and uncomfortable among people. I usually 'bite my teeth' and accept whatever comes but today I felt angry and frustrated at all the energies that has been pulling me down. When friends talked to me, it was as if I couldn't really hear and what I did hear had no vibration to it. Even laughter was pretty empty, and everyone says so many words with no true meaning. not even things that used to fascinate me, like evolution and psychology, holds an interest. I have had this feeling of empty since winter 2008 but it has come and gone, it's very strong at this point:

today I walked across a corn field to get home because I was done at college for the day, and a cat was sitting right in front of me and it was beautiful and wouldn't move. I didn't dare to touch it, it was too beautiful. I would normally get excited and wonder why it is sitting there watching me, I would feel curious but the bittersweet thing is that I didn't smile or anything. I didn't feel anything. I don't feel much expect emptiness. Things just exist, they really don't do anything else for me, they don't give me an reaction.

You tell me a lot of interesting things, like perhaps my guardian angels have left me to make me stronger in a way and that I am going through a transcition. I believe in all this, yet I don't understand why I need to get stronger or live at all. There have been moments during the last years where a friend or a random person has been contacting me with crucial help without them knowing it, so I do believe there are angels among me even though they may not look like the angels I have imagined. When I call for higher dimensions, I feel strange and sometimes a little nascious, as if my aura is 'dragged' to the right, left and up. I basically feel I need to evaluate everything I've imagined about the other realm.. and I understand I need to get to know the self in me, but this 'self' is empty so I'ts a sad way to go alone. At the same time I want you to know that I don't feel sorry for myself, it's more an angry-I'm-sick-of-this-feeling. All your words help me. Even though I don't reply to everyone of you, this is a sum up and I do read everything you send. Like I have these past years, I start to cry randomly by just reading a sentence or hearing a tone in a song, so I want to thank you all, you are amazing.
- CaptinSayzarzillion > katrine May 19, 2010 at 7:56pm
  
  who what where when how an why are the people in this video happy? what is happy? an who invented it? Someday the people in this video will grow up an then lets see if they are still happy! if your happy how can you know it?
  - kahlila > CaptinSayzarzillion May 19, 2010 at 9:06pm
    
    ~LOL!~ nice add Captain S!
    
    see, you don't even have to know the words to the song to be a part of the great dance of life! just nod your head, swing your shoulders & do what the other kids are doing (if it feels right!) & eventually, before ya know it, .. you might just be... h~a~p~p~y!! & maybe, you'll even know it! ~don't fight it, just surrender!~ ;0) xoxo
Leo May 18, 2010 at 4:16pm

It's such an honour to be part of something where so many individuals have so much love for another soul!
I hope you feel the love Katrine and it helps make life worth living.
There are so many here with so many words of wisdom, and they all care, not just kissing up to you, but a genuine level of concern.
I can offer no more than my words, and my love, but please feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to talk to.

I can attest to the fact that true love and joy can come out of a life of pain and misery, but you have to let go of the anger and pain, easier said than done, but when you exit the other side of the hurt, you will have a renewed strength and a reason to truly live. Along the way, there is always wisdom to be had, and wisdom is worth more than all the money on earth!