I've had a relationship with a boy who treated me like shit but says he loves me. I get over him day by day. I laugh, I study and I've seen a lot of the world through travelling. My feelings change constantly but up until now and 6 months ago, I have felt horrible. I don't get the point. I am a human being who have setbacks and then get happy again, and setbacks and then get happy again. For example. I can get completely over my ex. But so what? How can it matter anyway? It's hard to write this without crying my eyes out. It feels like there's no escape. I'm to scared to kill myself and I try to contact my guardian angels, other outwordly communities - I'm being told I have to be patient because you don't get contact just like that.
WHY THE FUCK NOT`?????? (sorry my language). Why are we put here on this planet if I can't even get a respond from angels or whatever? I have been trying for YEARS and I did really not sound like the impationt depressive person I sound like now. Is this it? This is human life? I'm supposed to go through emotional rollercoasters until my death? And after my death I'll get reborn into this shit? Sorry again for my language. I am a patient girl, I am loving, I care, I am curious about life. I can meditate, I can be calm yet always get out of balance. Even if I managed to be in balance: so what? What does it matter? I am trapped here, I feel trapped :( it does not feel good..i don't know what to do. I don't know why I am writing but it's in the middle of the night and I am lost. I get no connection and even if I did, I still don't understand this. I have felt presence, advice and weird things that's been happening to me. Maybe it's someone out there. But what's the point anyway, to end up in eternal bliss? Why do I need to go through hell on earth - or heaven on earth for that matter - what's the POINT?
There is one guy that I am smitten by and he's travelling the world tomorrow. Maybe I'll never see him again. This doesn't make me sad but it does make me long. And if I die without having been with him, that's a loss. But who really cares? It's just a feeling. If I decide to be this feeling, it will hurt. If I deside not to, I'll be happy. But what does it really matter? What can I do to get out of this world, the mess. Is there a way to stop living without killing myself. I guess tomorrow I'll put on my mp3 and listen to music and get into a good mood. And the next day I'll be sad but a little bit happy. Then happy and very very sad and blabla! How do one stop feeling? And sure: theres probably a lot for me to learn from all the pain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stronger for what? More pain? .... How to I get out from being myself?
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I think all the time of the little song that they used to sing in church ...this little light of mine, I'm gonna make it shine!
when I think of what I am doing here on this planet.
I have had a bunch of people, more lately than ever, ask me what is it about you..or total stranger come up and say
you have a Aura around you..that I can not explain but I had to tell you I noticed..I just had to talk to you. I just hope that every day that I am the best beacon of light that I can be for him!
Hope, LOve and Peace!
today I walked across a corn field to get home because I was done at college for the day, and a cat was sitting right in front of me and it was beautiful and wouldn't move. I didn't dare to touch it, it was too beautiful. I would normally get excited and wonder why it is sitting there watching me, I would feel curious but the bittersweet thing is that I didn't smile or anything. I didn't feel anything. I don't feel much expect emptiness. Things just exist, they really don't do anything else for me, they don't give me an reaction.
You tell me a lot of interesting things, like perhaps my guardian angels have left me to make me stronger in a way and that I am going through a transcition. I believe in all this, yet I don't understand why I need to get stronger or live at all. There have been moments during the last years where a friend or a random person has been contacting me with crucial help without them knowing it, so I do believe there are angels among me even though they may not look like the angels I have imagined. When I call for higher dimensions, I feel strange and sometimes a little nascious, as if my aura is 'dragged' to the right, left and up. I basically feel I need to evaluate everything I've imagined about the other realm.. and I understand I need to get to know the self in me, but this 'self' is empty so I'ts a sad way to go alone. At the same time I want you to know that I don't feel sorry for myself, it's more an angry-I'm-sick-of-this-feeling. All your words help me. Even though I don't reply to everyone of you, this is a sum up and I do read everything you send. Like I have these past years, I start to cry randomly by just reading a sentence or hearing a tone in a song, so I want to thank you all, you are amazing.
see, you don't even have to know the words to the song to be a part of the great dance of life! just nod your head, swing your shoulders & do what the other kids are doing (if it feels right!) & eventually, before ya know it, .. you might just be... h~a~p~p~y!! & maybe, you'll even know it! ~don't fight it, just surrender!~ ;0) xoxo
I hope you feel the love Katrine and it helps make life worth living.
There are so many here with so many words of wisdom, and they all care, not just kissing up to you, but a genuine level of concern.
I can offer no more than my words, and my love, but please feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to talk to.
I can attest to the fact that true love and joy can come out of a life of pain and misery, but you have to let go of the anger and pain, easier said than done, but when you exit the other side of the hurt, you will have a renewed strength and a reason to truly live. Along the way, there is always wisdom to be had, and wisdom is worth more than all the money on earth!
I was beaten as a child by my drunken father, till I finally ran away at 11 years of age (with a broken nose and jaw), then ended up in the full time care of a paedophile for several years, being abused in another form.
I then spent several years of my late teenage and early adult life trying to either wipe myself out, or wipe away the pain of the many years before, with drugs and alcohol. It also meant I ended up in quite some trouble with the law, because the most accepting, non judgemental crowd are usually the outcasts involved in criminal activities.
Eventually, I settled down into a long term relationship (15 years), and had a child, only to catch my wife having an affair when our son was 2 years old.
I tried drugs, alcohol, suicide, and other forms of self abuse for years, but in the end, found out a few things.
First thing I do now if I get depressed, or in a bad place, is write my feelings down on paper as poetry. I first list the way I'm feeling, then why I'm feeling like that, then I force myself to write down at least 2 other ways of looking at the situation, then, as common sense overtakes me, I write down how stupid I am to let things get at me.
I spent 2 years under the care of a good psychologist, and she told me I was a most unusual person, because most people who went through what I went through as a child, are dead, major drug addicts, or in prison for murder.
I have always felt a presence whenever I was suicidal, which I believe was my guiding spirit, and though I have never had direct contact, they were always there with me when I needed them the most.
I spent several years staying close to my son, after what his mother did, and the circumstances around what she did (said it wasn't her fault because the man initially raped her), and eventually, his mum kicked him out and I now have full time custody, and have for over 2 years. All this at a time, and age, where most fathers would have walked away from their child.
Yes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but it doesn't seem like it at the time.
I now feel like I can handle any challenges thrown at me, after what I've been through, nothing could ever hurt me to that extent again.
It's only those you love who can hurt you, now some people choose not to love again (I have), but that can be a lonely road.
I do love, just in a different sense, and my relationship with my son is all the love I need, but there's also the love I have for others, where I will always go out of my way to help others in need, without placing a monetary value on it. Sure, I get used a lot, but I have some incredible friends who are always there should I need them, the same way I was when they were in need.
Write your feelings and emotions down, then burn the paper, and it can be a release, sometimes, it's the need to talk to others which is the release, but when there is no one to talk to, writing is the next best thing.
We are all on a different life path, and all have different lessons to learn. I recently had a strange experience where I awoke to find I wasn't in my bed, nor in my own existence, and after refusing to go with the 3 beings on the grounds my son needs me, I was returned with a message I have a short time to get my affairs in order.
I believe it's because I have learned my life lessons, finally achieved after spending money on something my ex needed, and giving it to my son to give to her for mothers day.
I believe everything I ever experienced was so I could learn forgiveness. It's taken years of anger and hatred, but I have finally learned, and I feel like now it may be my time to move to a higher level of consciousness.
Everything which needs to happen for you to learn the lessons along life's path will be thrown at you. As unpleasant as the experience is, it will make you a better, more loving, more caring, stronger person.
Love and peace!
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