hey all, just asking for some advice.

i've lived a pretty normal life until i turned 18, then i moved around the world just to explore - after some time I decided to take a bachelor degree in psychology, everything was happening all at once; friends, love, new understandings, growth, etc.i kept on travelling and loved living life, with all its ups and downs.

now i'm all done and back home, the same house that has stood there for 23 years. i feel as if this is the first time reality really hits me. there is no adventure anymore, and no hectic craziness, just silence, trees and a broken family (we live in the woods). am i wrong to actually despise remote "peaceful" places? it doesn't make me restless, it just makes me depressed. there's no friends here, no laughter, no nothing. just a pattern that's been repeating itself for decades.

and how are we supposed to deal with broken families? i have no idea what to do when mom is never at home and my dad feels lonely, he feels lonely all the time and sooner or later i'll move out again and i always have him on my mind. its horrible to take on his pain like that. its all so dysfunctional. aren't people at 55 supposed to be able to stand on their own without making their kids act like the grown ups? they never communicate and it doesn't matter what i say. being younger, this was never a problem - i knew my family for better and worse. now they're all strangers to me, even though they're all the same. 

i've always been so stable but the past months have been crazy, i keep stressing and flipping out, i get pissed off my anything. im completely fed up. mean while i feel guilty for this because people have it worse than i do. im like a child that starts to understand the concept of money and that i owe A LOT of money, and in this "adult world" it's pure death. how do people survive emotionally in a world that so often demands you to get a crappy job/ stay put in a fucked up situation because there is no other way out until perhaps a few years. and just like a child i dont wanna wait for something good, i dont wanna put up with anything, i'm done, i want this to be over. sometimes i wish i could go out of my body for five whole minutes and get some clarity.

and pain?? why do we need to go through pain? everything is supposed to be bliss and happiness (from a soul perspective) and at the same time there are some chosen souls who are sent to earth because it's important to feel this pain that humans go through?? if my soul actually CHOSE to come here - aren't I in the complete entitlement to tell it to get the fuck off this planet too? and if everything is supposed to be happiness, then how come some people get a guardian angel to save them from an accident, and others dont? how come some children are born into rape, and others not? because the victims of child abuse NEEDED to feel that type of pain? just to grow and learn that everything is actually happiness? i believe thats bullshit, the same way i dont believe there's a god who says "love all" one moment, and "if you don't follow my word, i'll kill you" the next. some things just doesn't make sense.

wanna hear your thought, sorry for rambling.