this seems as good a place as any. but i am not here just to come out. so let me say up front, I'm not sure homosexuality is a good thing. Maybe the Christian Coalition, as much as I hate them, are right about it being bad. Anyway, I must repeat BenArion's suggestion that we not reject the darkness in our souls. Homosexuality could be my darkness so I shouldn't reject it.
My biggest fear is that someone I know will recognize me in this post. Like my sisters. But that is highly unlikely.
What is gay? It's a decision in the same way that eating represents a decision. Though it's not exactly the same. And on to the subject of God; does he/she/it exist? I don't know. I doubt it though I came to this site due to spiritual hunger--which doesn't prove there's a God. I've always been homoerotically charged. Annie Proulx said it best: "They liked it with women, but it was nothing like this." She was referring to the 2 main characters of Brokeback Mountain.
It would be easier for me to be gay, to have romance with males instead of females. But I know a man who insulted someone to their face and when I criticized him about it, he said, "It's easier to tell the truth." And I learned that homosexuality can be a revenge against one's family of origin if said family is homophobic. Yes that's sort of Freudian but not unreasonable.
This is a site for spiritual musings. I haven't seen any references to coming out as a gay man or woman, so I surprise a few people here. Though I know there's a lot of people on this site who are very tolerant of gayness.
I do not think my main purpose in posting this tonight is to come out as a gay man. But it seems like it's coming out that way, so let me repeat it; the main purpose of this post is not to come out as gay.Yet it seems like it is.
Today I thought that this earth experience is one excruciating phenomenon in the way that people are so cruel to one another. And really a site like Ashtar may be just one more iteration of man's futile attempt to deny the fact that the universe makes no sense and that our being here serves no high purpose at all. Like yesterday I saw a New Balance ad that said, "excellence loves heartbreak." Really that's sort of analogous to, "embrace the dark side" or, "Why reject the pain in life?" And I agree that fear seems to be the predominant obstacle in this life. And I mean the predominant one.
You need to be a member of Ashtar Command - Spiritual Community to add comments!
Replies
Shelly,
I absolutely agree with pretty much everything you say. The only thing I would say--and this is not a disagreement--rather a question/comment: It strikes me as a bit enigmatic that you seem to say so many on this site are sensitive to ctiticism. LORD KNOWS, I am. Because I really appreciate everything you said.
But I read in somewhere else on this site that someone believes we who participate with this site are a breed apart. Meaning we may think ourselves slightly superior to the rest and obviously that is a slippery slope to be on--though it might be true.
Dear Einstein,
Yes I agree with your response.
But I must add, that always being true to yourself is pretty hard: maybe it's impossible. But I realize you might say, "We have to try anyway." And I would say, "I'm not sure that's the right tack to choose." [I sometimes use words whose mesaning or spelling I might not be sure of: like tack.] By tack, I meant if it's impossible to always be true to ourselves, then maybe we have to accept that and use our common sense, or whatever, to go through life. Use our "better" judgment.
It's certianly true that I have homoerotic drives. So I agree that I should honor them at least to some extent. The trouble is I am critical of these impulses. And I have a girlfriend which doesn't necessarily matter. But it sure gives me pause. Or at least I am confused. She and I don't have sex.
In other words I am homophobic. Any grouping of people can have negative feelings toward thermselves: Jewish people can be antisemitic. Etc., etc.
Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. I'm going to ask a few questions and make a few comments. OK?
First of all, what does LOL stand for? Is it lots of love or lots of laughs...or something else?
Second, I don't know why you say, "no offense, but..." Because then you go on to say, "You seem to have spiritual questioning of God." Why might that be offensive? Because I absolutely have questions about God. Does he exist? Is he a he? As I said, I at times feel that life is just one excruciating experience. With no God and daeth and destruction the only constants. People, nature are so cruel sometimes. Japan? Me? (I mean once in my life I was very horrible to someone. And probably more thas once.)
**************************************************************************************************************************************
Also, I just have one question about your wording where you say, "[...I wouldn't want someone to use me for their own pleasure...]" That's paraphrasing a little, but I just want to clarify whether that was what you meant.
Finally, I hope you can find the time to answer all my questions.
Oh, and I basically agree with you that anything one does for pleasure is probably OK with the caveat that it not hurt anyone--but doesn't that incluide themselves? That's why in previous post I wondered aloud whether smoking can be condemned without any caveats. I mean there's no doubt it causes harm.
Hi, Thank you a lot for writing me.
Sorry I only now read your response--it's Tuesday night. I don't really understand the role of sex in my life, but actually I seem to agree with you that sex for pleasure's sake alone is not adequate. I know, men are supposedly different, so who knows what that says about me?
I just read Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion". It's not a bad book. I think he mentions the word theosophist a lot, but I'm still not sure what it means. As I may have said in my intro, I'm pretty skeptical about God, but not totally atheistic. I'm pretty lost in general I would say, which is why I retain some possibility of belief in God--I mean maybe there is hope. I don;t want to sink into self-pity, yet there isn't much I can say with optimism at this point.
Thanks again for your warm response.
Hi Shelly,
Of course, as soon as I read, "There are other postings about homosexuality," I felt criticized.
I disagree a little with you when you say, "...people just have to live with it." Yet I understand there is truth to it.
I wanted to close my earlier post about coming out with a comment about duality. I really think that in this life, for most intents and purposes, duality is the key. But just to prove that, as I was writing that last sentence I began to disbelieve myself.
Words are inadequate frequwntly.I know you may not like this post, Shelly.
I am too oriented toward psychotherapy and talk, talk, talk. It's not all bad but...I know some people will be bored.
I also wanted to revise my intro to myself that I posted a few days ago. Because I said I live an upper-middle class life style. That is a little too self-judgmental. It's true, I was born that way--my dad was a doctor--but I have worked many years in true working class jobs. Now I've been a security guard for 6 months and for 18 months before I worked another security job for $9.00/ hour.