Spiritual Forum

For most of my life I was sheltered by my mother. She taught me by example to live always feeling sorry for myself, never taking responsibility, and worse, to fear everybody and what they thought of me. I created negative thought patterns and probably my own kind of daily negative karma by being half a person and so disrespectful to my real self that I kept shamefully hidden. The time I grew out of this I'd already thrown away all my school years and I became angry when I realized I wasted so much potential because of the way I was raised.

It's taken a long time to forgive my parents. But that's not what this is about. All my childhood and for a number of years later I always thought I was cursed. My mom called it "Murphy." She said I inherited it. The way she sees life it is always doomed. I had low self esteem and the curse was real, because I made it real. I never accomplished anything, because I never believed I had the ability to. Today I am happy, forgiving, caring, giving, eager to learn and teach and I consider my sensitivity traits from the past a humble blessing and intuition. But it wasn't always this way. For a long time I was bitter, angry, jealous, proud, ego maniacal and lost inside. During the beginning of this time I was into methamphetamine. I hung out with bad people. I've never been to violent, but I was around it enough and men are already proud and stupid, but when you mix in "gang mentality" it's insane. Being "hard" was appealing to me. I never really had it in me though. I grew up a spoiled little bitch, but I wanted to be tough. A friend of mine was violent and he did in fact grow up that way. Raised by crack head brothers and cousins that were in actual gangs. He himself at this point in life was not in a gang. My small town doesn't have many, thankfully. He was more of a "thug." I lived with him. I competed with him and I took his shit a lot, because I wasn't that kind of person. I longed to be though.. sick of being pushed. And I knew it wasn't my instinctive nature, so I always tried and I looked for ways to force it until it was natural.

The darkness is appealing. A lot of you may not get it, but there's a power struggle for some of us raised in shitty places around shit people. I mean let's face it if I were a moral less, two faced psychopath I would most likely be successful as an American. I want to stress that I know better and that that aint what this is about either. Because I wasn't always sure... I considered giving up all my moral values and good beliefs while daily living in anger and frustration. Always unsatisfied with the way my good deeds went unrewarded while enviously I watched horrible people profit at the worlds expense. Yes, I wanted it and I was very insecure and weak at this point in time. So one day... (sigh) that same friend and I... killed a cat together. I could go into detail, but it's brutal. We captured it and I did it in. It was horrible. I wanted to know if I was capable of committing to the dark side, but I learned that day I would never be able to. It still took years to break a lot bad habits and learn to forgive and let go of things, but that day I knew I was not evil, but still I did an evil thing.

The curse is real now! This was nearly six years ago and I have horrible luck even though I continually do the right thing and now without expectations or regret. That's been for two years. Since I let go of my anger. I don't get anything really good or progressive for long. I am haunted by inner demons even though I am a very positive person and a good friend to every one. It took me a while to make a connection to the cat, but I am pretty sure at this point it has a lot to do with my current karma. I don't know what to do about it. When I have some extra money I plan on getting Reiki and I was gonna ask about getting my inner demons absolved by a healer. I know in my heart I should tell my neighbor what I did to her poor cat and ask for her forgiveness. This idea weighed on me heavily for a year or two. But I can't. I don't even know her well and what would you do if some one told you they murdered your beloved pet animal!? Freak out, call the cops and resent them for it! I'm not gonna go to jail for that. Besides it's better that she thinks it ran away than find out it was killed in cold blood. I wish I hadn't done it, but it's done and it was a long time ago now. I feel like even though I no longer feel guilty I am bound by it. Karma is real and I need to balance mine. Don't know what to do. I'm sick of this bad luck. It's not in my head. Even my friends are fully convinced!