Feelings are an inevitable fact of life. We are always feeling something, whether we are aware of it or not. It is important to accept that our emotions are okay, and we need to allow ourselves to feel and express them, whether they are good or bad.

A very powerful way of being able to express and release negative emotions is through tears. Just as laughter allows us to express our joy, crying is a natural and healthy expression of pain and sorrow. To feel the pain, is to stop fighting the nature of reality. In Buddhism it is said that pain or sorrow is as much a part of our life as joy. Suffering is always caused by a conflict between what we believe reality should be, and what reality actually is. Fighting against reality does not change what is happening in our lives, but rather, it intensifies and distorts the pain of difficult experiences.

Although it can be hard for many people to accept, it is okay to cry. Crying can actually be very cleansing and healing. We often hear that laughter is the best medicine, and while this is undoubtedly true, tears can be equally therapeutic, if less enjoyable.

Expressing sorrow, sadness, pain, grief, anger, or frustration by crying is not always encouraged. We are told that ‘big boys don’t cry,’ that we should ‘put on a happy face,’ and that ‘if you cry, you cry alone.’ These first two statements are simply unhealthy. Tears are every bit as good and necessary for everyone, regardless of age or gender, and by masking our grief with a ‘happy face,’ we are neither fooling ourselves, nor healing our pain.

All emotions need, even demand, release. It is usually easier, and much more socially acceptable to release our sentiments of joy and happiness. We don’t often worry that an outpouring of delight will make us, or others, uneasy. Expressions of pain, however, are something that most of us would rather avoid, whether it is our own pain, or that of other people.

‘Negative’ emotions such as pain and anger are often feared, avoided, and repressed. These sensations are uncomfortable, unpleasant, and messy. The fact is though, that they are very powerful, and very much a part of the human experience. There is a Buddhist saying that each life is filled with 10 000 sorrows and 10 000 joys. By focusing on trying to avoid the sorrows, which is impossible anyway, we are likely to miss out on many of the joys.

If we try to deny and suppress our darker emotions, we will only succeed in numbing ourselves emotionally. If you anesthetize yourself against pain, how will you feel joy?

There is also a huge difference between allowing ourselves to fully experience our emotions, and feeling compelled to act on them. Action is always a matter of choice. A feeling of rage demands that we express it, but it can always be expressed in a non-violent manner.

When we subsequently suffer a smaller loss, we may feel that this gives us an opportunity to vent some of the sadness/emotions that we have kept inside us from our previous experience. The minor incident can also act as a ‘final straw,’ and raise our level of emotion to the point where we can no longer suppress it. This is why we sometimes seem to react completely out of proportion to the event that has just occurred.

Feeling sadness in times of difficulty is extremely natural, and healthy. It does not in any way mean that we are weak. In fact, it is a strong and emotionally healthy individual that allows themselves to wholly experience, and express in an appropriate manner, the full range of human emotions.

There can be purity and a cleansing quality to the emotion sadness, if we allow ourselves to feel it fully. Sadness can also inspire some of the most beautiful works of art and literature, when it is given a means of expression.

When we suffer, stories fly through our head, stories about what happened, why it happened, whose fault it was, etc. In a way these stories keep us from having to feel. Instead of feeling we are figuring it all out, making meaning around it, trying to make it have sense, obsessing with it.

It is in the story we make meaning around the situation, often fear the consequences, judging our responses, blaming others for hurting us, blaming ourselves for driving them to it. This fills our head, causing greater worry and stress. It is like worry on top of worry, and judgment on top of judgment. This increasing the sympathetic nervous response and we feel terrible physically, emotionally, and mentally have us run away from feelings.

This is what takes so long to heal. We think a feeling is unbearable yet we are willing to endure years of self-torture with stories of blame, fear and guilt cluttering our mind. When we allow ourselves to feel, without the story, just feel you can sense the internal pressure building, make it a priority to deal with whatever is troubling you. Once you have dived in and tackled your emotions head-on, you will be able to emerge again, feeling lighter, happier, and with space in your heart to embrace the feelings that you really want.

~Amanda Harvey~