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I have that problem. No joke; I have serious emotional problems over it. If someone brings up anything (or if I see anything) that even in the slightest way could have to do with free will vs. determinism, I get started, and it's painful...almost physically. I wrote a blog post (my only one as of yet, actually) regarding the subject. It probably seems a bit rambly, but it hopefully gets my viewpoint across.
Basically, I'm in a constant state of arguing with myself over whether free will exists, or if it's just an illusion generated by the mind. Is the brain merely a deterministic machine (as most psychologists and neuroscientists would have you believe), or is there more to it?
The thing that gets to me is that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING about human experience has a logic to it. I feel like it's something that could be expressed in a C program. Seriously, I think that those AI researchers may eventually have something going for them that is going to be a fully human-like intelligence, including a (perceived) spirit/soul and "free will".
But if you've created a "being" that appears to exercise "free will" from a machine, then haven't you basically reduced human thought and emotion (and yes, even spirit) to a cold, hard, deterministic set of equations?
This depresses me to no end....if choice is an illusion, then why do we bother hoping for the future if it's already been laid out for us? If what I've stated above is true (that humans are deterministic animals, and free will is an illusion), then no matter what we might WANT in our lives, there's no guarantee that we can make it happen, simply because every future event has already been predetermined. Even if you THINK you're making the choices, the "you" is an illusion (no, I'm not talking about ego, I'm talking about EVERYTHING), and so therefore there are no "decisions being made" by "you", there is only matter behaving in a perfectly predetermined manner.
The idea of that being the truth erases all hope and meaning of anything for me...we're just a bunch of atoms and electrical impulses behaving in a 100% deterministic way, nothing more.....no "spirit"........no "free will".............................*cries in corner*
If only I could express with text how ridiculously depressed I am while writing this, I would...it kills me a little more inside each day.
I had the exact experience you did, kel. When I first started seeing the lies and deceptions that surrounded us, I was so very angry and frustrated I could hardly stand it. Mainly, because the only reason I would ever lie to anyone would be to protect myself or another. To me, those who lie are cowards. And, don't buy into the "I don't want to hurt their feelings". If you're afraid to be honest with another, it's because you are afraid of being disliked. Hurt feelings are purely ego. Who we Truly are cannot be hurt.
There are those who are less evolved who are not ready for the responsibility of free will and that's okay. Everyone grows and evolves at their own pace and rate.
If we share our knowingness with others and they are not ready for them, we are doing them more harm than good, for when one hears a Truth, they are then responsible for and to that Truth. So, I'm becoming more and more cautious what I say and to whom I say it. "First do no harm."