Hi friend,
Have I gone mad? Listen to my story!
'Near Death' Experience
This experience began when I was having lunch with Dad and Iown at Capilano Mall. I saw three children crying inconsolably one after the other. My heart began to break for humanity. I thought that the garden of my dreams had been laid waste by the north wind. I wrote a sonnet about it. I later discovered that this broken heart had united me with all humanity! My joy was very great. Here is the sonnet:
SONNET I
So soon the day will come your heart must break
You the one with brightest of dawn-lit eyes
From gentle dreams to joy and sorrow wake
To fly on lighter then darkening skies
Your helpless heart must dreadful tears weep
Opening sad eyes to look on the world
Lost to joy and falling in darkest deep
Where banners of a broken world unfurl
The garden of your dreams must wasted lie
Beneath the freezing blast of winters snows
Until the sleeping one has lain to die
And left upon her breast a withered rose
But look! The weeping of your broken heart
Brings to the world your sad and joyful part!
Copyright Jeffrey Merk 2012
I came to believe that this accomplishment was the goal I set for myself in this incarnation. Perhaps it was time to 'depart'. Think: if I'd stayed, I'd go through hell in society, with emotions as powerful as a little childs! Note: I'm NOT talking about suicide!!
Later, I think I was killed by an extra-terrestrial in an astral projection dream, but this caused me no distress. For a while I forgot it was an AP Dream, and thought it was real!
I had been reading ‘Contacting Extra-terrestrials Telepathically: Receiving Guidance from Enlightened Beings’, or some such title. I do think that murder was real within the context of an astral experience. There is a possibility that it was an actual murder of my physical body. I haven’t decided that yet.
A word about the ET: he was a little malevolent, but basically loveable. Out of respect for his privacy, I will withold his species. I had contacted him telepathically; he was enraged and roared (telepathically), “Yes, I’m here and you’re dead!” He didn’t want people to know about him. I think this contact occurred in the waking world, but I’m not sure yet.
Apparently, this ET engineered my death as follows: he had me murder Jerry, the weekend staff, and then somehow had me killed. I have ne recollection of these events, however; only the ‘facts’. I felt no distress, however, because I was controlled, and therefore not responsible for the ‘murder’, if there was one.
I found myself on an open green at night with a group of people: prisoners of that ET. This occurred on the astral plane. The people there had all contacted this very reclusive ET. I learned that the ET ate them; they were his food. They had been there for a very long time.
Since I was able to communicate with this ET telepathically, I immediately began working on him with kindness to secure my release, and hopefully the release of all of us.
It worked! I soon found myself back in my room, but on the astral plane. It seems I had really died. I found myself unable to return to my physical body! I didn’t even know where it was! I believe the afterlife is exactly like an astral projection dream.
I remembered a book of mine, ‘Thinking and Destiny’, which has a chapter dealing with the after-death states. I read there that the first after death experience is called, ‘The Dream of Life State’, in which a person continues to dream about their life (there are twelve states before rebirth). In fact, less aware people usually don’t even realize that they’ve died. However, I did remember.
I clearly seemed to be ‘dreaming my life’, for I was on the astral plane! Note: the Astral Plane is more real than an ordinary dream, but less real than the waking world.
I became concerned that my family back in the waking world would be distressed by thinking I’d committed a murder. I believe I was able to send them a ‘message’ to reassure them, appearing in their dreams, telling them “ET made me do it!”, “I was framed!” and, “I’m fine!” etc.
I was able to send such messages to Mom, Lisa and Steph (my sisters). I had Lisa and Steph wake up to record this message, that it may not be lost. I tried to send a message to Jon (my brother), but he was too lethargic to receive it; I gave him a ‘bad sleep’ instead! I ‘felt’ Lisa and Steph wake up, just as I was somehow aware of their state as they slept.
I got the idea that, if I phoned them, I could communicate with them on the astral plane, because I thought they were ‘dreaming’. I was under the impression that everyone I’d met in AP Dreams was dreaming, so I thought I could ‘appear’ in their dreams, and that they would remember them when they ‘awoke’.
So I called Mom, and tried to gently suggest that, when she ‘woke up’, she’d hear some bad news (that I’d died, etc.), but that I was totally OK. I told her that she was dreaming, but just didn’t realize it. I then called my sister, Lisa, and did the same.
Understandably, they freaked out! They called Jeb, my case worker.
I also went out for a smoke, and seemed to experience some ‘astral phenomenon’, such as levitating a bit and so on, but these experiences were just in my mind; I felt like I was levitating, etc., but my feet remained on the ground. I experienced these things because I believed I was on the astral plane.
A bit later, Jeb came by, and I told him the whole story. I agreed to see Dr. Chermansen (my psychiatrist) later, out of politeness.
Around 1:30pm, I was enjoying Buddhist poetry on the balcony. I realized I had a choice to make. I could either return to the waking world, or say good-bye and let go. I looked back at the waking world. I could not go back there; not even for my mom and sister, and other loved ones. I realized that the waking world is no place for someone as beautiful as me. I cried! I spoke the words, “I choose death.” At that moment, the silver chord connecting my physical and astral bodies was severed, and I truly died. From this point, there could be no going back.
Wendy came by to take me to Maplewood Farm. I decided to go to say good-bye to my animal friends. I had a radiant, blissful ‘final’ visit, enjoying the equanimity I’d earned through the ‘breaking heart’ experience.
Incidentally, none of these experiences upset me in the slightest, aside from my concern for my family (in the ‘waking’ world). On the contrary, I’ve been radiant and blissful throughout!
After Maplewood Farm, Wendy took me directly to CPS, where I spoke with the Doctor. I told him everything. He had me committed to the Psych-ward, where I politely went.
At first, I was shocked by the apparent immaturity of the patients, and thought I’d made a mistake confiding in Dr. Chermansen. I thought I was too open and trusting. But then, I began to feel great compassion for all that suffering. I was able to help a lot.
Later, I thought I’d lie through my teeth to get discharged, so that I could enjoy my final two and a half weeks peacefully (I had decided to remain in the ‘dream of life’ stage for that long). My mom called, and I told her I had just ‘experienced a vivid AP Dream’ and knew I wasn’t dead. I said that, after an AP Dream, the feeling lingers a bit. I said the ‘severing of my silver chord’ was just an inner experience I hadn’t yet come to fully understand.
Later, I bethought myself, and decided that I’d rather tell the truth and remain at the ‘mad-house’. From that moment forward, I was extremely happy [to be there].
I told two psychiatrists about my experiences, as well as dad and Iown, who were visiting at the time, and a psych nurse.
When the doctor realized that I was totally at peace with these experiences, and not even slightly confused within myself concerning them, and that I was in absolutely no danger of harming myself or others, he decided to release me. I told him that that was a very enlightened attitude; I was very impressed.
When I got home, I began to understand my experiences a little better. I realized that I had not truly ‘died’, because there is no death. Things are carrying on in a completely normal fashion. The only oddity is that I was telling people that I’d died.
I called mom, told her these things, and that we should just ‘carry on as usual’!
________________________________
But these things really happened!! I'm still on the astral plane, and my body really died!! Can anyone explain them? If this is madness, it's a bloody glorious one!! Tee hee!! But how could I make up all this?
This entire experience could be interpreted as a magnificent delusion!! Alternately, it may have been a valid experience!!
I began combing the library for similar cases. Finally, I realized what I needed: ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead’. Incidentally, I’ve never read that book; my library record can confirm that, along with the fact that that book is not on my shelf, and I have no other access to books, aside from my mom’s house at Christmas (she has no copy).
When I got home, I found that the ‘TBotD’ is crammed full of references to different levels of Dream States; it even calls the Waking World a dream, as did Einstein and others, such as myself. According to my understanding, the ‘TBotD’s’ cosmology is ‘dead on’ (pun intended!).
I put this on Facebook:
I was recently hospitalized unnecessarily. Finally, I was released because a doctor grabbed a brain. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist Thursday. I'm sure he would have me readmitted; I don't trust him. So I called and left this message, with barely suppressed anger: “Hi. You can cancel my appointment. If the doctor wants to know why, you can tell him that I don't have any concerns! Have a nice day!" Click! I'm tired of being brutalized by ignorant people!!
The doctor just called. I asked severely, "How are you?" He said, "Fine." In surprise, (I think) contrary to his plan. He said he wanted to see me, so I said, "OK. Sure." But I was still a little angry, and I think he saw that! Good!!
I'm also going to tell the doctor that I'm tired of being brutalized by ignorant people!
This is what I plan to say to Dr. Pankratz tomorrow, when he asks why I canceled the appointment: 'I don't trust you. I thought you would either readmit me, or pump me full of medication. I don't think you're an ignorant person. Whether you're an ignorant person or not depends on how you treat me here and now. But, I'm tired of being brutalized by ignorant people! Do you understand?'
As it turns out, I wasn’t so angry when I saw him. In fact, our appointment went very well. Arthur came with me. I’ve never seen the doctor laugh and smile so much. It was very amusing. He said, “I’m not even going to try…” [To convince me I’m deluded]. I told him that little children have very rich inner lives, and that I’m a child. He said, “But children require guidance, don’t they?” I said, “I’m always happy to receive your guidance.” He did adjust my meds. We’ll see how it goes. Since I’m always totally honest with him, he should consider my feedback.
My life is magnificent! I’m exactly the person I’d want to be: totally crazy! I just took the fast track to get there!!
Things I experienced during my Thursday night Meditation Group:
I plucked up my courage, and asked to see the entire universe (I’m astral).
I realized that I can, in fact, roam the universe (and beyond) at will, but only (I think) in my mind! This is what I can remember:
The first thing I asked to see is the entire universe. I saw it from far above; it looked just like a sea of stars, but I was looking at galaxies. I also saw a relatively mild hell. The denizens felt separate and lost; they were forlornly wandering empty city streets. Another thing I saw was a terrible hell, a sea of ugly death; everything was dead like a corpse and flowing into itself like an ocean. The hells are actually good places; people only experience them for as long as they want (sometimes seemingly for eternity). There is no reason to grieve for those in hell. I saw that there are, in fact, infinite hells, but there are also infinite heavens; luckily the heavens are far more vivid and infinitely more numerous. To me, the hells appeared as happy realms. I perceived the flowers on the stupa table as rapturous. I perceived colors I’ve never seen before in my minds eye; they were not unnatural, just unknown to me. I began to see new colors all over the place; I realized that all colors are new. I was given the ability to figure out anything I wanted; I chose nothing (I love my life the way it is). I saw an immense heavenly realm, and realized that the Earth is a part of it. It was purplish. I asked to see more detail, and saw happily chirping ducks. I saw a massive flock of goose-like birds in flight. I may have seen inner dimensions, but probably not. I remembered meeting the ‘horned, cloven-footed one’ the last time I died, but, from my perspective, that was a happy experience, although it didn’t seem so at the time. I saw an extremely vibrant, beautiful being, which was huge, not entirely humanoid, and is hard to describe. I saw the candle in the room as it really was: happy! I experienced its heat from three meters away. I saw many other things, but these are what I remember.
I’ve been in communication with Featherwinger from Austria. She told me about how earth-worms sing songs to their ancestors at night. She sometimes goes out at night, puts her ear to the ground and listens. Is this crazy? If a little child did it, wouldn’t it be charming, funny and cute?
Like any good scientist, I tend to go (tentatively) with the evidence. If I decided that these experiences were delusory, I’d set about healing them immediately; that would be easy – life’s a piece of cake. If they were delusion, that delusion was benevolent – not malevolent; it was a magnificent experience! But, I’m not hasty to dismiss my own experience: any deep inner experience could easily be written off as delusion or madness. Just look at the way we treat little children when they report such things. As a result of said experience, I’ve got an extremely open mind. That is very good. But, in daily life, it makes little difference whether this was reality or fantasy. Things are carrying on exactly as before.
Mostly, I’ve forgotten about all this in the living of life. I also possess an interesting and magnificent tale to present to potential girl-friends!
One final note: I said I’ll stay for two and one half weeks. That is inaccurate. I’ll be around indefinitely: I must take the music program at the University of British Columbia in September!!
Finally, allow me to refresh your memory concerning the rational explanation as to why I don’t require hospitalization, or increased ‘meds’.
1. I am perfectly able to judge right from wrong, and know perfectly well what is dangerous.
2. I am in NO danger of harming anyone, including myself.
3. The psych ward is for people in acute distress; I am perfectly at peace with my experiences.
4. There is no therapy on the psych ward.
__________________
Sunday, August 05, 2012 – The Dream Continues
I had two remarkable dreams last night.
The first began as an ordinary nightmare, where my old Concert Band 12 Teacher told me I was ‘on the wrong track in life’. This is an occasional reoccurring dream.
Then, the world was destroyed by flood; I ‘awoke’ just before I died, but in a different location – not my bedroom!
At this point, the dream had become astral (a real dream!). When I awoke, I found myself an infant in a mansion by the sea – I’d been reborn! It was my first moment in that life, which began after my infant return from the hospital. I saw my new parents – they were lovely. I also met my six (?) year old sister and three (?) year old brother. My new mom looked wonderful. In fact I saw much of my old mom in the new one! She was young and beautiful – I saw her face well. Her genetics were very similar to moms. I also saw my older sister in the new one. I didn’t get a good look at my father – he was standing at a slight distance – but he, too, seemed wonderful. I think the whole family is awakened, plus I make new friends easily.
But, internally, I was in crisis, because I thought I might be on the wrong track in life.
I disappointed the whole family, because I couldn’t smile [due to my state of mind]! They wondered what was wrong. They decided to take me to the hospital.
I fell asleep as that infant, and awoke back in my old bedroom on the astral plane, and went for a smoke, still disturbed, then returned to sleep – that is, awoke again as an infant. Understand – I’m now an infant astrally dreaming he’s a 41 year old man! That’s why babies sleep so much!
I had returned to the mansion – a beautiful old wooden building – but, things began to grow increasingly hellish, as a result of my disturbed state of mind. The children there attempted sexually abusing me by trying to stick their fingers up my anus. While this happened, I continued to reflect on the possibility that I’ve been on the right track. In fact, I almost asked one of my tormentors if we shouldn’t accept each other. That experience left no emotional scars, however, because it was just the projection of a disturbed mind, without basis.
I then awoke back in my old bedroom on Grand Blvd, in North Vancouver – that is, fell asleep as an infant and astrally projected to my bedroom on the astral plane.
I talked with staff member Tericita until I realized that I have been on the right track. I also spoke with a Landen on the crisis line. I think he thought I’m nuts! He comforted me for going through hell. We parted good friends.
I’m now waiting to reawaken in my new infant body, and greet my new family with a smile. In the meantime, I’m trying to get my mom and sister on the phone, to tell them what happened.
It’s funny: as an infant, everything you do makes people think you’re a spiritual giant! So, if you lift up an arm or wink your eye, everyone says, “Wow!” That’s one reason why babies laugh so much! I raised an arm, moving my fingers, and gurgled a bit, trying to talk; everyone was amazed! That was the exact moment my Soul entered my new body – I became self-aware (more on that later)! Also, I thought I spoke perfect English, but all that people heard was baby-talk! I also remember seeing a toy, a polyhedral ball, with writing in various languages on its surface. I pointed to ‘English’, and my sister (?) made an exclamation. Being a ‘new’ child doesn’t make you all-knowing; it’s the same old you. The only reason children cry more is because they’re smaller, so things affect them more profoundly – they’ve got more to lose, so to speak.
Whether I’m a boy or girl, I don’t know, but I suspect, and have read (Percival), that our gender alternates between male and female from life to life. If I am a girl, it may feel exactly the same.
I never experienced the Heaven or Hell Percival wrote of, neither did I spend nine months in a womb that I can remember.
This time around, my corpse will float on a river before I yield my Spirit. I fully expect to have my spiritual development stifled a bit; that’s what I want. I’m not ready for total freedom in this restrictive society!
I’ll foolishly miss the guys slightly, and definitely love my old mom better than the new one for quite a while! At the same time, I’m excited about my new incarnation. When I’m old enough, I’ll track down my mom in the waking world – where my infant body is now. In the meantime, I’ll stay in contact with my old mom and friends on the astral plane, as I have for the last six months, since I died.
I’ve heard that we have seven bodies, and that they operate independently from one another. I’m aware of three – the dense physical, the etheric, and the astral. I’ve heard that the seventh is the Light Body. The astral body is the feeling counterpart to the dense physical body, and exists on the Astral Plane, the Spirit World, the Aluna of the Kogi, Stuart Wilde’s Mirror World. I believe my astral body may remain in the Aluna. Perhaps we all have a ‘double’ there, like my loved ones do (and as Stuart Wilde said).
An insight on the nature of death: I was surprised today to discover that, in the entire process of dying and being reborn, there is NO cause for sorrow. Things are crafted extremely well! My only distress has been for loved ones with a limiting belief in separation.
A description of my new mansion: It’s a large square wooden building on the sea, and it dreams well. I somehow observed it from above. It’s three stories high, located in a secluded rural area, I think on Earth, probably in BC. I also remember seeing the ocean. It had very large patches of transparent (not black) oil floating on it, which makes me wonder what year it is there. Could it be August 5, 2012? Aside from the pollution, which suggests strife, it will be a wonderful place to grow up! My new parents seem wonderful – I already love them. But, I’ll never forget nor forsake my old mom and friends: we’ll be friends for ages! My friends are my very Soul!
Now, I’m off to watch, ‘Michael Jackson: Live in Bucharest’ and eat Freezies!
In retrospect: I believe I was not an infant in this experience, but a small toddler. I was able to raise a chubby arm, and make sounds, as well as play with that ball. I believe, along with Percival, that the Soul enters the body the moment the child begins asking questions: that is the dawn of self-awareness. I just had a rough landing! I had a panic attack at the crucial moment, because of that fucking dream! I believe the flooding world in that dream was symbolic of my ending old life.
When I awake, I will stand forth and say, “I AM the Light of the World!” Unfortunately, it will sound like gibberish!
There is a book called, ‘The Dreamer’s Book of the Dead’, by Robert Moss, which comes pretty close. I’d also like to read, ‘The Egyptian Book of the Dead’.
In my next life, I will NOT smoke, drink, or do drugs. I’ll be sure to get lots of sex. I may become a famous singer/songwriter. I’ll do my best not to harm anyone from beginning to end!
Later, Gator! Over and out!
Replies
Dearest Feather Winger,
It brings me great pleasure to hear from you. You are the first person open enough to consider the possible validity of my experience.
That experience could be interpreted as magnificent delusion. However, I'm not hasty to dismiss my own experience. And, it would be one hell of a delusion!
It may be a question of what I would experience in the future: do I want to forget it and live life, or do I want to give this world a proper good-bye. Alternately, the truth may become clear in time.
I hope my psychiatrist doesn't pump me full of apathy-inducing medication! Doesn't he understand that dreams are the meaning of Life? I see him Thursday.
I love singing earthworms! Tell me everything!
I AM Siddhi!!
Look, I'm more experienced in madness than anyone could wish for.
All I can tell you about this is that sometimes reality and imagination can get mixed up somewhat.
Even after becoming sane again I found it very difficult in many cases to seperate between these two.
Seemingly you are still alive, otherwise you could not have written this post....
Thank-you very much for your thoughtful contribution, but I'm perfectly clear on the distinction between the astral world and the waking world!
Anyway, I'd be extremely disappointed to be considered 'sane' in this world! I'm very outrageous, and happily so!!
Later Great Pumpkin!
I AM Siddhi!!
PS - Don't forget the singing earthworms!!
Dearest Feather Winger,
Welcome! Greetings from Sirius B! I know I'm not 'mad'; I was sort of joking! I found being incarcerated (psych ward) highly amusing, actually. When I told all these things to the doctor, I relayed them with a totally straight, dead serious countenance, and I was totally at peace with things: radiant, in fact! I have no idea WHAT they think!!
Thanks for replying to my discussion. It sounds like you've had very remarkable experiences too! Tell me more! How long have you been 'going within'? Is the hell you visited an inner dimension? Have you seen others? Do you astrally project?
This may be of interest: I've learned how to talk with animals! You hold [your little pet], close your eyes, and listen to their heart! You will find that they speak to you!! If you listen to bird song that way, you'll also see what I mean!
Write me soon; you seem like a very interesting person!
Cha cha hiss roar!!
I AM Siddhi!!