I'm not sure where to turn next...
I spend every waking minute of my life alone, so much so that it feels normal now. When the time arises that I actually do get a chance to, or forced into some sort of social interaction I cower away. I don't know what has happened but my ability to socially interact with human beings has completely gone away. I feel that I have distanced myself so far away from everyday human life that I do not know what to do with myself when I am around people. I am not human, you see. I have recently had to deal with an immense amount of emotional pain and stresses, my mother died of cancer nearly a year ago now and my father died of a heart attack not even three months ago. All I have left is my girlfriend who doesn't really understand what I am saying now. Since these events (and a lifetime full of them) everything has gone way over the top regarding my emotions and how to deal with certain stresses. I have developed an intense case of agoraphobia and cannot even go to the shops without fear. It is not like me to fear. I have always had my father there, the only one who has ever understood me in this world so far, as we are the same.
I found this website shortly after he died and came on here briefly, not really sure what to say. I feel dead, so far away from this planet in my mind I might as well be 'dead'. I cannot concentrate at all on normal things. My mind is so far away even the most distant of people I know are starting to worry. I feel as though nothing really matters anymore, that this whole cycle of society is so worthless that I would rather not even be a part of it anymore. I have always felt this way, but even more so as of late. I am young, 22, and need a bit of guidance. I am so fearful of being left alone, Deep down I knew my father would leave this earth early, I have known and have had nightmares about it all my life until now.
I do not fit in anywhere, no matter how hard I try it seems as though people can sense I am different and immediately turn away from me. They may make me feel as though I am a part of whatever it is that they are, but there is always this distance between myself and them. I get angry, which is another characteristic I am not used to feeling. I get angry when people who don't know any better do silly things which I know not to do. I am not sure how I know, but I know a lot of things, a lot.. I get angry over the simplest mistakes that people make, because I have this feeling like they should know better. My mind is so full of ides, so full of creativity and this intense need to learn more, every day that I often choose my books and design over anything else, including being with loved ones. Often times I lay awake in bed at night, my mind races so fast with millions of different beams of information flying around it that I have no idea how to make it stop, and land up frustrated because it's almost as if sitting by a highway trying to memorize a book, and spend that night awake. The bottom line of this story if anybody is reading, is that I cannot take this place anymore, I need somebody to show me the way out.
I wish that somebody reads this and possibly has some advice for me, and I could explain things further, for this is the tip of the iceberg.
I just want to go home, I do not want to be here anymore, this is not the place for me and I want out...
I want home...
I feel so alone.
Replies
Never give up on this life, there are good things ahead for you, and if you just stay strong, life will offer you some amazing experiences. This is a time of feeling disconnected, but this is just a phase we are going through, and you are not alone!
I hope you feel better soon, and know that even when you feel alone, you aren't we are all connected on a deeper level and as time moves on you will be able to feel that more.
Hope you feel better soon much love to you Jamie! <3
All I can say is... I'm 22 as well and have had this lost, lonely feeling since childhood. I remember watching mom and dad fight, observing them and seeing how both of them was wrong and right. I was six at the time, and all of the sudden my mom rushes at me and says she's sorry for all the noice, and only then does it occur to me that: oh right, that woman is my mom. I'm completely out of it. I've tried endless times to really CARE about a situation, to genuinly WANT to hear about friends' problems or engage in co-workers chat in the corridor but it's like watching a bad movie. They are honestly not even real to me. It's all a haze, it's all a mess, with clear-as-ligthening visions and fogged up blury reminiscing. So don't take it the wrong way, but it personally helps to see others in the same boat. And you say you're alone but you're everything BUT alone. And I hope you'll see that in the nearest future, what to you define as alone? That you can't talk about this to anyone or that you don't feel like you belong? I feel that too, does that mean we're alone together? Who knows, right. You have no idea of the opportunities you have of "escaping". There's different worlds everywhere. All over. I find that being with animals helps. Watching sunrises helps, writing helps.. not just because they help to unwind, but they function as building blocks for other worlds and guidance. Once you get in touch with this, it's amazing. Crazy. I've studied tons of biology and physiology and you'd be amazed by how the mind works! ANY new thought creates new neural pathways; meaning you can change into anything. I'm not gonna start talking about that cause I wont be able to stop. So yeah..I don't know what kind of escape you want, 'cause you're here for a reason (I hate that sentence too) so in that way, there's really no ultimate escape.
Wish you all the best... write back if you feel like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8TFcLgu5Ow
You, my friend are most welcome. I too have moments where I feel so overwhelmed by hopelessness- Genetically speaking, I come from Dysfunction Junction- and was raised in a very negative, depressive, verbally abusive environment- (something I obviously chose to experience)
I. have struggled with the same feelings you expressed most of my life, and there are days when it gets the best of me still, though that happens less and less.
I can tell when I look at your picture especially your eyes, that you have a. wonderful energy about you and if I am right, a pretty well developed sense of humor., Mine is extremely overly developed and that has gotten me through the worst of times- as well as in trouble on occasion!
The words you wrote tugged at my heart especially because my son expresses those feelings almost every day. He was teased and tormented all through school- due to undiagnosed autism, Aspergers Syndrome-(Something that seems to manifest in a number of star children) The closest friend he ever had was his step brother who we lost in Iraq in Nov 2005. Every day he tells me he doesn't fit in anywhere here, and he wants to go home. I have to remind him that each of us are here at this time for good reason. I have learned- (and continue to learn); that life is very much about keeping control of our perspective so the weightier things we came here to experience don't damage us.
Another thing I feel lead to tell you-( that I also remind my son of nearly every day is this: when you are so impatient to get to the point in your life where you've arrived and everything falls into place that you can't see anything but that end- it will ALWAYS take you longer to get there!
Life is a journey. We set our sights on the mountain peeks as though reaching them is our life's goal. We think they are so much better than the valleys and low places, but there are things we can only see in those low places. I'dlike to leave you with the lyrics to a song I wrote many years ago. Be joyful my friend and know I and countless others wish every blessing for you!.
Sandy:)
In The Valley
There's a view that you can only see,
from the lowest place that you can be
There is music you can only hear,
when you're walking through the valley.
There are sights that pass most people by,
cause they're always looking towards the sky.
But theirs beauty in the lowest place,
for that's where we seek God's face..in the valley.
Every step you take; each heart brake, you will find a lesson learned
When you stumble and your humble then you know
That the valley is the place we are transformed in states of grace...
Where we find the paths that lead into our soul
There are songs that you can only sing,
When the world has taken everything
.For it's then, we finally search our heart
and we find out who we are.. in the valley
Every step you take each heart ache, a foundation stone is laid
When you falter, make an alter of your heart
All our lives are just a journey to the highest place of all...
And the valley is the sweetest place to start.
There's is joy that you can only know,
When you're on the path you're meant to go
There's a song, that you can only sing,
when you stand before the King...In the valley.
Well I see you have received lots of replies, and maybe others have already said the things I'm going to say. The main things I wanted to say are that I hear your pain, and I relate to it, and I believe many others on this site will relate to it too. In a way, it's good you brought it up, as I think so many of us feel the same way at times.
The world can be a hard place to be, and it can be very tempting to shut outselves away to avoid the pain of human relationships etc etc. While there is a time for this, for example, when you are greiving, as you are, there can be a danger in it too, as in doing so we can isolate ourselves and create even more pain.
I am only just reluctantly coming to the conclusion that I NEED OTHER PEOPLE. I have resisted this for most of my life, after experiencing hurtful and damaging relationships as a teen. As a result I kept people at a distance, and avoided much social contact, and being a loner eventually felt normal to me. I have only just realised that I am not a loner by nature, and I have deprived myself of so much by choosing a hermit-like existence for many years now. I am now in the process of healing that old stuff and re-engaging with the world again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: yes there is so much wrong with the world, and yes human relationships are often fraught with diffitulties and can cause us much hurt and pain, but as human beings we are social creatures and we need each other, if only to define who we are and give us a sense of self. Day to day interaction with other people is the stuff of life, and can lighten the load of living in this world if we don't expect too much or hold people up against our own standards.
Peace to you, and thank you for sharing so openly : )
I know exactly how you feel. It's like you took the words out of my mouth.
Know that you are here for a reason, though, a very important one. Keep following the impulses of your heart and forget what others tell you that you 'should be' doing. Others feel comfortable in their pop culture routines and they think that is the answer for you as well. In fact, it makes them uncomfortable to be around someone who is not taken with all the worldy distractions that they are. They want the one thing from you that you cannot fathom doing - conformity.
Keep learning all you can, follow your inerests where they may take you. Do not worry what others 'think'. And do not let them box you in. Love, live and laugh, even when you are alone. And most of all, follow your joy.
I love this idea, I would totally read it too, when you start it please let me know :)
Hi Jamie, I don't have any better advice than that already given, I'm terrible at giving advice :) But, I feel for you, and have felt lost in the way you describe, around the same age particularly (although I don't think it's an age thing). I can only say that it will get better, you just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, breath in, breath out. Kind of like in that movie what about bob, baby steps ;) And indeed, many of us are here for you if you want to talk. Like I said I am not a person to give advice, but I will hear you if you need someone to do that. Every Blessing Brother, You are Loved~
I understand how you feel believe me. Things have happened to me in the last 10 years that should have broken me completely. I wrestle with the same feelings and have a son with Aspergers that battles the same waves of despair nearly every day. At 49,the reality of my life is nothing like the life I dreamed of, and the stress of the circumstances that my family and I deal with everyday is enough to make anyone run screaming to the nut house. So believe me when I say I get the weight of despair you are dealing with. That said, My dear friend, the hard truth is you have two options. You can wrap yourself up in your feelings of loneliness and despair, and continue to dwell on the hopelessness of the circumstances you feel are victimizing you, or you can take back control by setting those emotions aside long enough to get a clear perspective. I do understand how you feel, and I'm not saying to ignore your pain or feelings. I'm only saying that for each of us, when life seems to have hit rock bottom, We forget that there is a bigger picture. I think all of us who have come to this forum feel alone at times. There is no one in my family who I can talk to about what I believe or feel. They don't understand. But there are others, here who we can express our deepest soul to- kindred spirits. I don't know where you live, but there are meet up groups for all different interests all over the country. I can send you the link. It is called Meetup. You type in what subjects you are interested in and it e mails you about events and groups of like minded souls getting together in your area. It's a wonderful way to make new friends and learn and grow spiritually. Another thing that has helped me is to remember, as bad as I think I have it at times, there is always someone who has it worse. Try to find someone who needs help, look for any ways to give those gifts and talents unique to you- and yes we all have them- and look for any opportunity to bestow a random act of kindness on someone who desperately needs one. Nothing makes me feel as peaceful, joyful, or as "whole" as that. This is a difficult time for all of us to be living in, but there is a reason we are here at this time. I'm a parent, so i can tell you that if your Dad was here he would tell you to "stand up", and he would remind you who you are. He would want you to look at yourself through his eyes so you could see that you are amazing, and gifted. He would tell you how proud he is of the man you have become. I believe he would tell you that this moment, that these feelings and circumstances are not what your life has become, but a diving off point to begin the journey inward which is the purpose of life. He would tell you there is a bigger picture and one day you will see it.
So many times we fix our eyes and place our security in things we can see, but it's those things in life which are unseen that carry us, guide us and shape us . The bond you had with your father is still there, it is something death cannot sever or extinguish. I hope you find a measure of comfort in these words and that you remember- though you feel lonely, none of us are really ever alone. I am glad you reached out and I send you my hearts song in spirit. Be in Joy, Sandy
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