Spiritual Forum

Much more than a simple hello from me to all of you. I am a hugger, so hugs to all of you. I have been reading around on the forum here and have to say, it reads like a nice big family. I am excited to say a couple things, and have people actually hear me.

I do not know if this is appropriate, but I would love to tell my story here, the thought of opening up elates me greatly. 

So first, I am a twenty three year old young man living in beautiful Colorado. Its our first real snowfall today, so beautiful and about 3 months overdue. What a crazy winter! I went to college in Pennsylvania because it was the next step, I had never really been taught to think about where I was going or whatnot, it was just the way. I have always had a really really good intuition, and someone has always been looking out for me. After first semester of college, I did not realize what was happening but my heart was screaming in protest. In desperation to find something real to life, I tried to join the army. It was a blessing that I was born with a hearing loss strong enough to deny me access to the military but acute enough to allow me a normal communication level with people. Most people do not know I hear poorly, but the army said no way. So I went back to school, confused more than ever. After three years in college, I knew what I was to do with the next step of my life. I needed to find out who I was, what I am here for, and how I can best help myself help everyone around me. Thus began my search for something completely unknown to me, which 2 years later led to my awakening. 

As a child, my mother would tell you to this day, I had a anger problems. But she would also tell you, I never lashed out or rebelled or displayed many angry traits, but you could smell the rage within me. I had some family issues, along with massive amounts of energy projection from my mother, whose belief in reality is sooo firm and skewed that near her she actually changes your reality. Its a wild experience, allowing her to be the best and worst mom possible all at once. What she never understood is I have no anger. I am a man of passion, and that passion is love. There is no other passion. Every sport I have played, while violent and aggressive..were expressions of love. As I said, I was not angry. The proper word was anguished. The rage I felt, was not anger, but heartbreak. For some reason, I am really good with people. For a long time I thought my hearing loss allowed me a different analysis of tones, which lets me understand what people are really saying. While I still think this is so, way before I could have developed such a subtle sense my intuition told me everything. Its just taken me a long time to listen again, after it caused me so much pain as a child. 

The reason for my anguish is that in the world I live in, all I see is potential. I have what I call, a solution based perspective. When my family had problems when I was younger, I could not understand why we lived in this fake sub-potential reality. And I would lose it, all cognitive thinking. Tears and shivers, my muscles would do their best to distract me from my heartbreak, they would just flex and flex. I remember many a time escaping to the comforts of a bit of trees or the depths of our barn, and just cry and howl until I had no energy within me. When I was around 16 I had an outburst of bitterness on a friend who had done no wrong. I was mean. I was angry. I remember it so clearly, and remember the taste it left in my whole being. That day I lost something, when I shoved so much of my personality into a dark corner and told it to never come back. It took me till I was almost 22 to get those pieces back, to realize just how complex our minds are and how like a computer that can be, programming and reprogramming. But its all still there, intact and waiting. It just was waiting for me to peel back the cover I had put on it, but I had literally forgotten I had covered this. This pile of emotions and experiences, for whatever reason clouded my connection to my intuition. I became a person of skills and thoughts, following the last glimpse I had of my soul. Which was to help others and to teach. 

I have a friend out here in CO, who also has awakened. He is a bit older than me, and we both moved furniture together as a job for a long while. We had a special bond, neither of us understood. Until he opened up enough to let me taste the light. I know it sounds a bit corny, but really, some word or words he said at some point, gave me hope. Something I can not remember ever having. Hope was stomped out of me around the age of 11. I have faith and hope, as I find myself filled with love. I find myself caring less and more at the same time, feeling more free than I have in so long. 

I know hindsight is twenty twenty and all, but looking back at my path to here. I love every second of it. It is who I am. I am currently having some issues with my mother, and I have been lost as to the answer. She has created a darkness around her throughout her perception of how the past has treated her. She tries to cope with and forgive herself, but she misses the true meaning of forgiveness and acceptance. Instead of being proud and loving of what she has done and been through, and the top dog of an amazing family, she allows these demons to haunt her. She accuses me of bitterness towards the past, and blaming her for my problems. I guess alot of it is my fault, I left home a long time ago and have spoken to my mother less frequently than I should have. She knows me not. I have no problems, I only have learning experiences. Thats how I look at everything, the chance to learn what is me and spread some love. I yearn to resolve things between us, but feel that our relationship is actually a mirror of how my mother sees it. Her belief still trumps mine.

So thus, it is my goal to be more steadfast, more true in my expression of my almost overpowering intuitive love. And in time, hopefully not too much of it, I will best the darkness my mother has created within herself, and in doing so release the last safehold darkness holds within me. 

And in a roundabout way this leads me to my little conclusion of my story. I have been going through enormous changes. In the last 4 months, I have almost become what I before thought was going to be a life goal to understand. I am making great leaps making my intuition the horse I ride, as opposed to my ego. I feel different. Every day. I feel amazing. Truth always tingled in my soul, but the truth is beginning to resonate with a clarity that reminds me of singing, when singing in tune is more of a feeling of being led by myself then striving to hit certain 'notes'. I am discarding fact, and I dunno, have this immense hunger in my soul. I am realizing this hunger is actually my desire to help others realize that love is the way, and it will take all the bad away. But you gotta be honest, this is not a choice of the mind, but something that resonates within the soul. I am glad to be hear, with people who speak so freely of love and light. I hope I did not digress too much, but I wanted to share just a snippet of myself. 

Lastly, I have always felt different, like I was here for a reason, like someone is watchin over me, and a steadfast fascinations with humans. Many a time I have said with a big huge grin, "humans are crazy". I love them, and variety is the key to our almost endless cooperative potential. At times when people blow my mind and leave me with that silly grin, I cant help but feel like something not human, but family and best friend none the less. I have no knowledge of who I am yet, just parts of what makes me me. And thats the belief that I am here, to be a sun of the light as best I can. Since this truth struck me, I have gained about twenty new smiles. For real, smiles for things I have never found such love for, smiles when I find myself irritated, in loving me in my quest and my trials. 

I will end this ramble, as speaking of smiles makes me smile, and I could type of smiles forever. Once again glad to be here, and cheers to anyone who smiles cause whats the alternative?

GenteelWolf