Stolichnaya Vodka Bans Obama, Kerry and McCain From Drinking Its Product - Retaliation Of McDonald's Latest Activity
Sunday, April 6, 2014
First, McDonalds announced that it was removing their restaurants from Crimea due to tensions between the U.S. and Russia causing Moscow to fire back and suggest the removal of the fast food chain. A few days back, a Mexican fast food establishment banned Vladimir Putin from its restaurant. Now, in a move seen by many insiders/specialists/idiots, Stolichnaya vodka has retaliated against the president of the U.S, Barack Obama.
From Stolichnaya's website: "Due to conflict between the two nations, and the recent lashing carried out by fatty establishments, it is our regret to announce, that Smirnoff will effectively ban any purchase or consumption of our product by the president of the United States, Barack Obama. This ban will also take effect on Secretary John Kerry, senator grouch, John McCain, and senator Dan Coats for his remarks and blame towards our country for appearing at a wrong hearing. Again, this is not a complete U.S. ban but a ban on the children running the country."
Obama Administration press speaker, Jay Carney responded early calling the ban a "international crime," "regrettable" "mind numbing, speech slurring, and a sobering move."
" We are sorry to hear the recent ban, in which is most likely carried out by Moscow. For many years, Stolichnaya has offered the U.S. the intoxication needed during conflicts throughout the world. The vodka brand was a mainstay for closed/clandestine meetings and a provider of tolerating most of our wives. We hope to carry out diplomatic discussions to lift these bans as they are troubling for all fans of 80% absolutists. We call for the Russians to pressure Stolichnaya and reverse this decision," Carney said in a prepared speech.
An inside drunken source confirmed to this blog post that Obama won't be deterred and may pursue further sanctions against Russia. "The president realizes this will be devastating for John Kerry. The president doesn't drink Stolichnaya, but is a fan of fancy aging Merlot."
John McCain tweeted, " what the hell am I supposed to drink now, Zhenka?"
Neo-conservatives are calling president Obama's vodka policy "feckless, weak and an international crisis."
"How can the president expect Americans to take his vodka policy serious, when our key leaders aren't allowed to consume top shelf shit?" John Boehner said from a tanning booth.
Cabinet officials say this could further implicate troop escalation and/or a coup on the Stolichnaya factory. More on this situation as it develops.
(This could be true, but I haven't found it to be. This is a complete fictional account written by yours truly, D.S. Wood. Now, back to my shitty vodka)
Replies
Wouldn't it be great if all "wars" were fought like this, and we could get a laugh out of their antics?
Former president Ronald Reagan and former House Speaker Tip O'Neal used to publicly "get their Irish up" big time over proposed legislation that featured tax cuts. Then they would meet after hours in a local pub, have whiskies, and talk about their families and such. It didn't have an effect on minimizing the deficit or the size of the military industrial simplex, but it sure kept peace at bay.
Absoltely HILARIOIUS. Thanks for the humor.
macdonalds pulling out of Crimea ?........good for Crimeans, they're healthier already.
Good for Stolichnaya, as Obama probably overdoes his drinking as it is and needs to give his poor liver a rest...
However, I'll resist the urge to bash Obama, here, although tempted, and will simply provide this link for anyone who is interested in some of the signs observed, indicating Obama's addiction...
http://lamecherry.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/barack-drunken-obama.html
Instead I'll lavish praise on those Russians who are courageous enough to stand up to the western power blocks, in spite of all the injustice they are being targetted with....Although, sanctions on Russia is akin to a flea on the back of a water buffalo....too small to notice or truly care.....But it's the principle of the matter.....That any nation outside of the Amerikan control matrix is deemed "dangerous, and so to be isolated and caged in," simply because it resists the dark agenda....
NATO was once a defense organisation to prevent the USSR expansion into western Europe...It has been morphed into an imperial arm of crony capitalism, to bash all who fail to bow to international finance, US style...You could say that NATO is the military arm of the Federal Reserve and US foreign policy.
It does seem purile to place sanctions on individuals, BUT the west started that idiotic ball rolling and deserve the Russian backlash from various suppliers, such as Stolichnaya...Albeit, a ban on Obama will help him with his addiction, so he should thank Russian companies for their considerate compasion....
As for John Kerry, well he's too far gone, up the alcoholic consumption path.....And that's probably why he's so poor at remebering things and doing his day job.....playing his role.
He compassionately needs a ban though, ASAP.......god help him....
He gets more glazed in every shot...... ;-)
And good news to hear that the Crimeans will be cured of the McDonald Big Mac curse...If anyone actually knew the contents, they would never eat it.....Thanks Ronald McDonald...Could you remove outlets in England too...?? And stop clowning about...?
It must be great to be able to get this sh!tfaced and carry a "get out of jail free card" in the form of body guards.