Spiritual Forum

The Art of Not Being Offended
By Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli

   There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have
known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is
fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being
Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every
statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total
life experience to date.
 

 In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their
own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when
aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the
other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar
situation, usually when they were young.
 

    Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where
psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to
live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that
psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the
study of the soul.
   

   All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our
beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections
and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the
chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is
not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly
for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a
misunderstanding.
 

   A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering
throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who
happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone
to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t
us, it would likely be someone else.
   

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How
often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that
the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually
an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they
themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all
harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for
it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In
fact, it is usually better not to say a thing.
 

   People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually
not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to
be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In
the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to
make the world a better place.
   

   This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken
advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we
know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers
of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only
happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we
also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move
on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us.
When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does
or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just
walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other
person that we are good and worthy people.
   

   The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what
other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the
many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is
truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.

              © Shemsi Prinzivalli  www.shemsprinzivalli.com 
                             shems.prinzivalli@gmail.com