The growing pains of Awakening

I am on overload with regards to "discovering" the nature of reality. I will try to keep my story short. My religious upbringing is that I was raised a Protestant and have taught Sunday School in my church for 15 years. Throughout that time I didn't really attend church. My "service to God" was teaching and I my feeling about Jesus dying for our sins never felt like the truth to me. I had a judgment of the hypocrisy of "church folk" in general and a distrust of the bible as complete truth. I was always quite spiritual. I Love God and Jesus intensely but privately. I took a 12 week metaphysics class and always enjoyed books and movies about the afterlife. I have absolutely vivid dreams every night. I feel like I am living another life most of the time but I can't hold the memory as I wake. Last November I began to read the works of Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, and Eckardt Tolle. I started to employ techniques and began meditating regularly. In late November I had an experience that I can only use the terms, light, unbounded heart throbbing love, and peace. I didn't encounter it again until March but the whole winter I was insatiable. I meditated with abandon. I read as much as I could in a day about any topic on the nature of reality (its so vast). My focus was purely on God. My business began to suffer since there were things not being taken care of as a small business owner. March I suffered a couple of crisis-es that opened up my relationship with my creator even wider. It coincided with Easter as well and that Easter communion was a very intense ritual between me and God. As I have settled into a special and magical and hidden relationship with God, I alternate back and forth between being still and experiencing oneness to being frantic that I am not doing the right "spiritual thing". There are so many perceptions of God and reality and the more I explore them the more frantic I look for the "right" one. The magic perception / practice that will bring me bliss. Each turn brings me into deeper and deeper "stuff" and how do I know what is true and what is not? Neale Donald Walsch's books Conversation with God, says there is nothing I have to do. Just be, after all We are just God experiencing itself. I have been fascinated by the nag hammadi and gnostics as well as Hindu teachings and all sorts of new age stuff. At the moment I am focused on all the Angels and Light beings, which is how I found my way here. I have not read the Urantia book. Its is hard to know what is truth and what isn't. When I find myself getting frantic. I stop, "be still" and just feel the love surrounding me. Still I long to know the ultimate truth.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It feel so good to express the intensity I feel about this new spiritual path I am experiencing. I have had the feeling of isolation with this due to my relationships. Some of my restructured beliefs could never be discussed with my church family. My fiance is completely freaked out that I have such a happy, peaceful state about me. He really thinks someone else is making me happy. I try to ease his insecurity but he is right in a sense. I have felt a peace and love that no one can match. I try to hard to be attentive but my mind is elsewhere at times . I get bored with television now and my tastes have changed. I keep telling him I can't help the way I am feeling. In way it really seems like it is "just happening" to me. Like I have no control over it. I am really interested in what practices others use during their day to connect with their source. I love meditating but it is so hard to concentrate or should I say "let go". I am excited to explore this site!!

Love and Peace!
Lisa

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Replies

Jane in the forrest November 21, 2010 at 4:07pm

I so agree with kel: "just have to say, been there, done that, got the tee-shirt" =)
And I can say, that those things come in waves in life, and more and more intense too. The ultimate truth will reveal it self, when the time is right. Dont worry, be happy =D
Andrew Katz November 19, 2010 at 9:17pm

Walsch says we do not need to do anything. He means in terms of religion. However, if you listen to him speak, he very much thinks people need to act. And he says that they do this by smiling at people, and similar things to this. If you are a naturally friendly person who people like to be around, you are already being spiritual, and maybe you do not even realize it. Some people are naturally outgoing, so they take it for granted, and then may think that they have to do or know something in order to really be spiritual.

I am someone who is an introvert, and I am not friendly. So when I study the nature of reality, like you are doing, it is fun, but it does not make me the tiny bit more spiritual. Please keep this in mind.
Marnixvw November 14, 2010 at 3:52pm

Yes, the best advice is to be with your breath and in your heart. A lot of things around you may change, but your breath is always with you :) Lots of Love! Marnix
This reply was deleted.
- mindchild1 November 13, 2010 at 9:54pm
  
  I create such anxiety for myself because there are sooo many different views about the nature of reality and everyone has their own version. There are many things that NDW espouses that seem to make sense to me, other things not so much. I know I have to go within and figure out my own "stuff". I just want to get it right. I guess I don't trust myself very much. I do know that my traditional Christian upbringing was not enough for me. I want to know more. What do you mean by there being billions of Gods out there? I get that we are all Gods. Is there one top God or just a bunch of little Gods running around? I am interested in yet another point of view. It is very exciting to me !
- Peaceful Warrior November 13, 2010 at 5:39pm
  
  I've always wondered that about Neal myself Captin lol
  
  Beautiful song - I AM
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akjcD6d2T_M
Marty November 12, 2010 at 8:02pm

I'm with Kel on this one. Actually, I got lots of t-shirts in my collection at this point. Yesterday, it seemed there was so much energy, my body could hardly contain it all. My anahata was in overdrive! Almost felt like the onset of a panic attack. I think it was a combination of 11:11 and reconnecting with the teachings of the Buddha. I spent yesterday watching old Joe Campbell lectures and bought a copy of the PBS documentary "The Buddha" (watched it 3 times) then went on to do the 11:11 meditation. What a day! LOL
Don Baaska November 12, 2010 at 8:00pm

Hi Mindchild

Welcome to the club.

Having vivid dreams--eh?

Me too--once in a while one occurs where I am aware that I am dreaming. All 5 perceptics plus emotion & feeling.

Try keeping a handheld recording device alongside your bed and immediately upon awakening record your immediate impression of the dream. A notebook & pen works well also. Don't analyze, just jot it down. After a few weeks correlate and see if there is a pattern or message.

I haven't had the light experience you mentioned but am aware of stuff happening.

My body which is 84 years old is stronger and has more stamina 10 years ago.

Cedric thanks for the link to Osho's book on Atisha. I read that several summers ago on the boat and now can't find it.
Great stuff.

Yeah I am an insatiable reader of anything spiritual. But in the end it's all fingers pointing at the moon and is no substitute for actually visiting the moon.

Anyhow, keep strokin'

Love, B
www.donbaaska.com
Darshana November 12, 2010 at 7:58pm

It is indeed a "process" thank you for sharing and you are not alonel..for sure.
You have some excellent advice offered here,
sometimes "Be Still" and quiet the mind allow and surrender to the Divine Love. I do sessions for people using their own consciousness to facilitate healing. A LOT of people present with Religious Conflict.
Some receive this message " There is no right or wrong only thinking makes it so, as you judge so shall you be judged"
You are Supremely Loved as you are now this moment and who you will be in the future, there is no seperation, We are All ONE.
Blessed Be
Michael November 6, 2010 at 3:15pm

be still and know that I AM- reveletion to Enoch
mindchild1 November 6, 2010 at 2:21am

Thank you everyone for your replies. It feel so good to express the intensity I feel about this new spiritual path I am experiencing. I have had the feeling of isolation with this due to my relationships. Some of my restructured beliefs could never be discussed with my church family. My fiance is completely freaked out that I have such a happy, peaceful state about me. He really thinks someone else is making me happy. I try to ease his insecurity but he is right in a sense. I have felt a peace and love that no one can match. I try to hard to be attentive but my mind is elsewhere at times . I get bored with television now and my tastes have changed. I keep telling him I can't help the way I am feeling. In way it really seems like it is "just happening" to me. Like I have no control over it. I am really interested in what practices others use during their day to connect with their source. I love meditating but it is so hard to concentrate or should I say "let go". I am excited to explore this site!!

Love and Peace!
Lisa