Strange how letting go is so eazy still so dificult. It seems it is the reason for the letting go that is so hard to swallow. There is a moment where giving up or keep on going is standing face to face. I always end up with the keep on going part. Even to the point where i am still standing al alone holding on to something that has no meaning of life anymore...to others that is.
I seem to take this service to others to far and seem to always end up totaly ripped apart.
I have tried not to be like this, but still i can't help it. Some say you need to choose who you want to help and why, i seem to have no limit on who to help except when it is myself i need to help.
For me letting go is like failing, i have managed to let go of manny things, like country,friends,family,work,money,even love. But there seems to be one thing i have a problem with and that is Control.
I controled al this letting go the same way i used to not let go...so now i realise i did not let go of anything i just changed the outer part of things but the main thing is still there.
I say i let go but deep inside i look for things that keep me where i am...stuck in the same circle.
Al this moving around from country to country seems to be useless, things keep on showing up just the same as in the first country. I do understand the atraction law and why this is hapening i just do not know how to change it.
I know manny will say to let it go...lol...
So here i am talking and writing to myself ofcourse giving the problem while having the answer.
Now knowing the answer, i still do not seem to get it. I guess here is the moment when the universe comes into the picture.
Let go and give the universe a chance to show you the way...??
It reminds me of my car crash, where the cops told me they were amazed i survived it, still i know i used incredible power and will to manage this crash and lead it to a good end.
What if i had not done this? What if i was suposed to die but changed the course of the event with my never ending controling habbit?
At the other end there is the totaly not in control part ( I think for i am not shure) Where i have a inner urge to do things, especialy after the drowning part of my life and this kundalini experience.
it is weird i seem to go backwards and clean up everything that went wrong in my past with people, especialy the emotional part.
I seem to have this urge to get things right, needless to say i seem to be the only one in this clean up that has a clue about it. I personaly have no need for others involved to know what i do or why i meet them, i just know i have to do so. This is why for them i seem to be out of place and not in control of the normal way of living.
Seems that my life movie when i died did have a strong impact on me even if i do not remember anny of it.
I am writing this because a new moving is in the make, i have been down this road once 15 years ago when i went to visit my sister. we had not seen or heard from eachother for more than 10 years.
Needless to say the encounter was less than positive, especially on my sisters side.
She seemed to blame her whole life on me.
I know after month of therapy where the problem is but i have no clue how to make it right again.
It had never ocured to me al those years why my sister was trying to get my atention at home in good or bad ways, and me avoiding her. The main problem being the day my father punished me so hard he hit me uncounscious.
I only knew at that time that the hitting was related to her so for me to stay alive and well meant not getting close to her. ( i was 7 at that time)
I know she did not understand me pushing her away ( she did not witness the punishment and i never mentioned it to her) I was just trying to survive at that point.
I am thinking of moving again this time to California where she lives.
This move is in a way also conected to my wife and me splitting.
I always seem to do things in a whole, i could visit her but instead i could just move and stay longer to have better result on everything. I am calm and relax trying to listen to my inner voice on what to do next.
Still there is this thought of ...control or no control. Letting go or not letting go. Saving my marriage or helping my sister...or just helping my-self...?
The spiritual part of me and my wife being together for is over, she chose for her work and the finacial part of it and i keep going on to wherever it is i am lead to be.
My spiritual view on everything is so strong i seem to have no place right now where i can be.
even if it feels right and i know i am not alone, the feeling of lonelyness is verry mutch alive.
Or maybe it is just a lack of understanding from my seroundings that make me feel this way.
Once again i am on a crossroad in my life where i need to be silent and listen to the truth, still i have a time problem and i am nerveous i will not make it in time.
Make it in time, making the changes needed that were shown to me...and that i fergot about ofcourse. This life movie is unrafeling in front of me and i only see it when the change is in effect, when the deja vu and the aha moment hit me and tension is released.
In-between those moments tension gets verry high and makes me fall on my knees a lot even if i do not enjoy this at al.
I wonder if i should of written this here...? But then why not i know everything has a reazon.
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love light and blessings
I just posted 2 new bloggs and feel that you could benefit from reading them :-)
We love you
Ananta
Yogaville, VA. Satchidananda Ashram, (800) 858-YOGA [9642] would be a place that you could find yourself. It is a place of Healing the inner and outer self and relationships. It is free in exchange for work:-) Ask for the Karma Yoga program or Lightworker Program.
You can start by looking in the mirror and forgiving yourself and others for what you thought you did wrong :-) there is a great release in forgiving.Ask for forgiveness from your sister and what you have experience was right down childabuse that a 7 year old should never have experienced.
You hang in there and make contact with spiritual organizations in your area too. Look for adhrams that you could stay and work for your stay or other spiritual centers.
Love
Ananta Anandini
Althought i do not see myself as a follower ashram type...to mutch fire in me.
I am going throug a wake up call this week, i have been there before and did not catch it.
I am now, i need to axept who i am and walk the talk there seems to be no other way.
I have tried to not look at it but it keeps knokking on my door.
I have stuff to learn and to do, i am already in a fase where i see al kind of lights
and things move in the corner of my eyes.
I keep walking in the wrong direction because i fear my own inner power, and i should not.
This walking in the wrong direction is darkening everything and i am suffering like a drug addict that does not get his shot.
everything i went through, my NDE's...Kundalini experience, out-off body experiences are signs i need to wake up and take my place in this adventure instead of trying to invent excuses not to be up to it.
Already when i was a kid i had it and it was beaten out of me.
It is time to claim back my powers...:))
Yeah, I frequently see stuff out of the corner of my left eye. It looks like when the TV reception is bad or you play a corrupted DVD and blotches of primary colors appear like a tiffany lamp or stained glass window.
"Breaking up" is the best description of the phenomenon.
What do you see?
Did you ever read "The disappearance of the Universe" by Gary R Renard.
Is the hologram coming apart?
I was part of a group in a semi-ashram scene for about 5 years and don't dig it either but I gotta admit it would be nice to have some others around who are awarely experiencing the changes which are rapidly occurring.
Meanwhile I am grateful for this forum.
Love, B
It could also be because i do not care how i write anymore, sinds i am not in school anymore where teachers used to hit your fingers with a stick every time you spelled something wrong...:))
But thanks for the highlight...:))
3 days ago a Feng Shui master came to the house and did a few changes to it, and because it is not my house we were limited but still, some water fountains and other changes and already the changes are being felt.
I had to change the bed...now i sleep like a rock...sleeping from 5-6 hours changed into 8-10 hours.
@ water fountains are counter facing the fire spots in the garden and kitchen....i am becoming calmer again.
Some plants were brought into the house...shure makes me happy.
And i am coming back to being my-self...more Budha like self...more relaxed and more awake.
Also changed my food intake to fish and vegetables...calmed me down to and it feels great.
Now on my way back from the beach today i spotted a Reiky massage place.
I was wondering if anybody here has anny experience with it and is it worth chekking it out? Now that i am on a roll i might just keep on going.:))
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