I was just verbally attacked AGAIN by a member here.  A7 something... He believes that I am not who and what I say I am and that it is his responsibility to teach me what a Transsexual is.  I wish I'd saved the ENTIRE conversation.  Of the other 3 people present.  One was a woman who said very little and was gone by the real eruption.  One was a girl who spoke of sexuality as if it a disease of the 'lower' chakras and something to be transcended.  I gently asserted that sexuality is the flow of the heavens and it is the ego's game of manipulation and conquest that is 'lower'.  The other was a boy with a website made one comment about me to another as if I were the subject of a witch hunt.  The leader of the gang made so many disgusting and dehumanizing comments to me that I could not believe it.  He did so very subtly and tried to play innocent like I am getting worked up because there's something wrong with me. 

The other members brought up sex.  Each in a way that was negative.  Abuse was part of the discussion, so that is somewhat understandable in the healing process, but I gently asserted the Truth I have learned as a lightworker of many years... That the shame and negativity is a disease in itself.  That when we chain ourselves to a notion that 'THIS is good and THAT is bad', we are damning ourselves to repeat cycles.  I tried to convey how I learned this lesson, to no avail.  I am sorry.  I know it would be nice if we could all sit around reveling in our righteousness, damning 'bad' things... BUT THAT IS NOT THE WAY.  The way is to learn to open to the value of ALL differing experiences, without it harming you.  People fear new beliefs because it shakes their own belief system.  Apparently, I shook someone's enough that he felt the need to insult me repeatedly and attack me. 

The conversation changed from lightworking to me defending my Testimony as a Divine Human.  In reference to me confessing to another member that I, too have experienced sexual abuse, he quipped "are you still with the boyfriend that beat you?"  EXCUSE ME?  Being sexually assaulted is not a boyfriend and being beaten is not humorous on that level.  He also insinuated on more than one occasion that no one would ever want me.  He always worded it so he SOUNDED innocent. But I knew what he meant.  I am not defensive.  I don't consider myself a persecuted person.  I became myself and lived my dreams and there ain't nothing in the universe that ever stops me.  BUT, given my life experience, I recognize when someone is after me.

He attacked me once before for having a completely pg sexual discussion in the chat room.  He attacked no one involved in the conversation but me.  I am not ashamed of my sexuality.  Sexuality is a hugely important ASPECT of life.  Just an aspect, but STILL an aspect.  I do not insult, dishonor, or abuse anyone in any way, yet he felt the need to dominate me as if he is an authority.  WHY?  That's the big question.  What about me threatens him so much.  First he attacked me saying I was a perverted male.  Then when I said I was female he said 'oh ok'. My words weren't offensive coming from a female... Just a male.  That is sexist and unevolved. That is affirming false archetypes that need to fall.  Women are not victims.  Men are offenders.  Human beings are equal, with the exception of a dark soul manipulating someone's naivety into doing something they don't want to do.

It doesn't matter who is what gender in a situation like this. He also said I was casting a spell or something... On the chat room, I guess.  This is a paranoid delusion.  When I spoke up, he denied it, but his words clearly said that I was performing an evocation in the chat room.

I find that I am still trying to explain myself.  I am still trying to show what I so clearly see.  I guess it bothers me that I was in a room being attacked and no one saw my side.  It wasn't even a side.  It was me speaking the TRUTH to people who wouldn't hear me. So I'll let it go.  But I ABSOLUTELY feel compelled to journal this wretched experience.  I have not COME INTO CONTACT with prejudice in so long that I am still in shock. At one point, the boy with the website made a comment that conveyed to me that he was being dishonest with me and treating me like I am undeserving of his respect and honor, based on that a7 guy's words.  Which is unfortunate.  He seemed like a good guy, but he chose instead to play a small minded game by listening to the venom of a man who thinks chat room attendees are casting spells. He said far worse things to me than that. Far worse than my great offense the other day, which was responding to a male's comment about open sexuality by saying 'so are u suggesting the world should be like the end of caligula? a giant orgy?'.  Suddenly I was chastised and repeatedly portrayed as if I admire Caligula.  I said before and I will say again...  He did horrible things, however he was but a sign of the times, even if an extreme one and his violence aside, the sexuality of Rome proves that though we live in a different way, (i myself am a passionate romantic and monogamist) human sexuality is NOT so clear cut.  I would love to have open lightworking conversations about sexuality... About spiritual and emotional fulfillment... But everyone here seems to demonize sexuality and say its only for procreation.  WHAT?  Saying sex is about procreation is like saying water is about steaming vegetables!

I too have insecurities.  I too long for a man who desires only me.  It's comfortable.  It's safe.  Is it HONEST?  I have loved more than one man in this life.  What if I'd met them the same day?  So much of who we are is based on our experiences and limitations, that exploring things honestly, gently, and respectfully is very important. Perhaps those are conversations I will have to wait for a different forum to have, with people who are brave enough to look past their fears, but idealistic enough to embrace the power of deep, spiritual love.  But let's get back to the man who offended me and attacked repeatedly...

He tried to suggest I'm defensive... By saying he was raised by lesbians.  To say that is insulting.  It's implying... LOOK!  I'm friends with gay people... My prejudice toward you is okay!  When that didn't work he told me a 'transvestite' even 'tricked' him into bed once.  (first of all, a transvestite is a heterosexual male who derives sexual pleasure from wearing 'female' clothing... secondly...)  No crossdresser, (a human who feels spiritually fulfilled dressing in clothes associated with the other gender) I repeat NO crossdresser TRICKS a man into bed!  He knew and he liked it. His shame over his sexual indulgence is telling of a mentality of shame... Shame he projected onto me. Shame I should not have to deal with in on a spiritually based website.

So, if you are a person who is highly evolved, mature, advanced, etc... FRIEND ME!!!!  If you are a newbie who has the integrity to recognize that you do not have all the answers and that sometimes, opening up to new ways of life threaten your comfort... FRIEND ME.  If you are anyone else... You shouldn't be on this website, but since you are, please have the decency to stay away from me.