Sick of this

Dear Diary,

I don't know why, I just have this sick frustration about me as of late. First I was sad and now I can't shake this pessamistic, angry feeling? Part of it is I'm sick of where I'm staying but it's more than that. I think that's just the tip if the ice berg? Im sick of this life in general (my life)?

I'm bored with this life, frustrated with it? It's like I had a discussion with some of my friends I said "if the world was in survival mode I could deal with it a lot easier as I'm a warrior and a survivor, I know how to fight and I do it quite qell. I even said I'd prefer it over this world?

What am I sick? I don't want to live in a world like that!! Maybe in the dark recesses of my unconsciousness I long for warfare as I have been a warrior for so long it's in my blood. But earnestly, I loath that, I hate dying and seeing suffering. I don't want to see anyone get hurt or suffer!

I think the root of what's going on is that my work is catching up with me? What I'm suppose to do is really being thrust upon me. I'm trying to defeat evil the only way I know how...with a sword? NOT with love and compassion?

I have to contemplate all of this because there's something more at work here and I feel like I'm in the DARK!?...clueless??

Hello to All,

I want to thank you all for your loving support and kind words during my meltdown, I was going through a really hard time there emotionally and psychically. After some thought I realized that I had taken on too much (bit off more than I can chew so to speak), there was a lot of pressure from where I was living which had me stressed and just tired of the (same old-same old). As a Saggitarian I'm always on the move looking for new adventures, new challenges and I think I was bummed with pretty much how my life was going at the time, dull and boring. I crave these things (new adventures and challenges) and I thought well maybe I'm getting to old for this stuff but realized NO WAY it's in my blood and (age) should not be a factor. Here I was running in circles chasing my own tail wondering what the heck is going on? I realized that for one I had been negelcting myself a little focusing on things outside of me, a big NO-NO. I realized how much I missed my creative endeavors and hadn't been doing much of anything there. Tomorrow I start my new adventure, I'm going to be staying with a friend for a while on her boat. I look forward to this as living on the ocean will be a thrill and exciting, a new challenge and of course adventure something this (Sag) want and needs.

I just wanted to say thank you guys for being YOU and thanks for your love and understanding.^_^

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Sashia Ishizu-Ishtar July 2, 2010 at 4:09pm

The ocean is beautiful and living on a boat is definately a challenge. It's day two for me and it's going to tke some getting use to, but I love it. Thanx Katt^_^
Sashia Ishizu-Ishtar June 29, 2010 at 7:22pm

Hello to All,

I want to thank you all for your loving support and kind words during my meltdown, I was going through a really hard time there emotionally and psychically. After some thought I realized that I had taken on too much (bit off more than I can chew so to speak), there was a lot of pressure from where I was living which had me stressed and just tired of the (same old-same old). As a Saggitarian I'm always on the move looking for new adventures, new challenges and I think I was bummed with pretty much how my life was going at the time, dull and boring. I crave these things (new adventures and challenges) and I thought well maybe I'm getting to old for this stuff but realized NO WAY it's in my blood and (age) should not be a factor. Here I was running in circles chasing my own tail wondering what the heck is going on? I realized that for one I had been negelcting myself a little focusing on things outside of me, a big NO-NO. I realized how much I missed my creative endeavors and hadn't been doing much of anything there. Tomorrow I start my new adventure, I'm going to be staying with a friend for a while on her boat. I look forward to this as living on the ocean will be a thrill and exciting, a new challenge and of course adventure something this (Sag) want and needs.

I just wanted to say thank you guys for being YOU and thanks for your love and understanding.^_^
Sashia Ishizu-Ishtar June 27, 2010 at 7:29am

Ahh what can I say, but you guys always have something kind, loving and helpful for me. Thinking back here I went through a really bad time when I was living on the street and that was soooo bad, but I made it through that. I know this too shall pass, but it's been rough emotionally and yes my ego may have something to do with that as well. I think after leaving the Dojo that I dived in and let things get out of control, that may be part of it? But also I don't know I can't describe it I "feel" this push to do things, I can't quite put my finger on it? I react as a warrior, because it's the only thing I know, learning the way of love and kindness is a huge undertaking for me and it is an "alien concept" too me. I know deep within I have the capacity to do this, but struggling with this "mental push" which keeps excerting itself upon me along with everything else is driving me crazy, lol!? I want too thank you guys from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for your kind and beautiful words of support and encouragement. Thank you for being "YOU"!!^_^
J~{Shaar'Ah'Ai'La}~ June 27, 2010 at 4:16am

Hi Sashia. I know some of this feeling too. Often times I can't bring myself to get excited about school or work or most of the things I normally do. Not that I need a fight per se, although I have this warrior part of me as well. More that it seems kind of pointless, these little things. I remember I would not have energy to do homework or go to my job, or even call my family, but whenever someone came to me in an emotional crisis, I would drop anything I was doing in order to help them, even if I felt completely sick or burned out. It was because it mattered, like a matter of life and death, and that's what it would take to inspire me. It's been difficult because now I am away from the people who counted on me for that kind of help, so there is nothing to do except these little insignificant things. I've started to get this perspective lately though, that the little positive things I can do right now, like just post poetry or hang out on chat here, do seem to make the small differences that might prevent the collective energy from reaching a state of life or death, and maybe that's enough. Maybe that's my fight after all. Blessings Sister, hoping you feel good :)
Sashia Ishizu-Ishtar June 27, 2010 at 12:14am

I know part of this has to do with those people leaving. I love Ashtar and I love my friends here. I think part of what I'm going through is that I'm upset those people left. I know they did what they felt was right, but it still upsets me!?

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