Hi everybody! This is my first blog post :) I've been here for a while, but only as an observer. Once I felt truly lost after a "break-up" so I turned to the site for some advice....and it turned out to be a positive experience for me. And so I choose to share another experience which is kind of still unfolding at the moment, so my intention is to find out if you are going through something similar. I hope you take from this what ever you need and that you give me a piece of your inner self :) I'm gonna try to keep it short and go straight to the point of matter!
The night of december 20th, I felt very dizzy and I passed out at one point on the bathroom floor. I remember everything just went black, I was still conscious deep within but I had no energy to move, even though my eyes were open everything had turned black and my vision was completely gone. In the blackness I could see shapes and patterns just going crazy, changing colors and formation, you know just like when you rub your eyes and than close them. I also heard a constant buzzing sound in my ears, just like if an explosion had went off right next to me. Anyway, on 21st I felt very chill, very relaxed, all throughout the day I would suddenly just laugh like a horse for no reason and I would have a sensational feeling of happiness, in fact the awareness of the fact that I didn't get anxious led to all the laughing...no matter what, I couldn't get one feeling that would give me anxiety. That lasted for a couple of days until recently passed days..
I feel.....very strange now a days. I often get caught up in the moment, just staring at something or staring into the air...just wondering over that very, specific motion which is running through me, that one feeling I'm having there and than related to what I'm perceiving through my eyes and at the same time wondering how and why I'm perceiving it. It's like, I'm trying to figure out how reality is composed and it all feels so surreal and bizarre...When I watch an elephant or a giraffe...or a bear it looks so "alienish."
Take the bear for instance. A big, furry creature with sharp claws and teeth? Or the giraffe, a yellow creature with brown spots, a long neck, a blue, gray tongue with two fury horns on its head, I mean what the hell is that? I love animals, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about the composition of things. I used to take the way an elephant looked for granted, but now...it looks like it's been shipped from another planet. It's like it's all taken out of a bizarre LSD trip.I feel like my viewpoint is becoming more and more neutral to everything, nothing is no longer recognizable. I get caught up in carefully watching in general the behavior of something or someone and I have to understand why it's behaving like that.
Often, I feel "stuck" in the moment, as if time has absolutely vanished and it's just the moment right there and than...and if I feel anxious, than it's just me and the anxiousness. It's like I HAVE to watch in the face, eye to eye and just wait for it to pass by. Lets say the clock is 19' O hundred and I divert my attention to the window, just watching the street. A couple of moments later I could swear that at least 7 minutes for example have passed by and I would watch the clock and it would just turn 19:02...but at the same, 6 months pass me by as if it were 2 weeks! I find no sense in this experience...
Not to mention that one moment I feel tranquil and calm, life has meaning and the meaning is to just be. The next moment I feel stress, depression and anxiety. I've turned to poetry which I never, ever thought I ever would. I use it like therapy and it really helps, the whole point here is not that I use poetry and that it helps, but the fact that I've actually accepted it's potential, I'm conscious over the fact that I'm now open for it...and that's the "wow" moment right there. For a shallow person that may sound like nothing, but if you have a deep mind, than you understand me. Because it's the change in itself that is the momentum, the very change from not being interested in poetry or cooking or reading or what ever to suddenly wanting to do it all the time, finding pleasure and peace in it at the same.
In the recent past and up to date generally, It's been very difficult for me to meditate. I can't find that stillness, I can't ignore the itching sensation on my chin or the back pain or the annoying distraction of my eyelids just going up by itself in the middle of meditation. I dream such lucid dreams, some of the dreams gives me anxiety and stress, not in a nightmarish sense but more in the sense of me being rejected by someone I like or love and that creates anger, frustration and sadness in the dream and I wake up in a devastated state of mind, others are pure adventurous and just magical...
When it comes to interaction with other humans. I feel like I have nothing to say, its pointless, its useless to talk. I have no other interests besides metaphysics and consciousness philosophy. And I feel talking about anything other than the moment or that which is not in the moment is highly irrelevant to our conversation, most of the time I don't even have anything to say about the moment, I just want to complain over the machinery and all the manipulation. Despite the anxiety and the "illusion" of me being a victim sometimes, I have a very strong desire within me to be AS truthful as I can be every moment to myself and anything else that is within my perception of this life/dream/reality, this world...this sense of beingness in space. It's loving, it's wonderful and uplifting...That is my conclusion. I truly feel the world will take it's time to change and evolve, but now at least we are well ahead in developing the skill of being able to surrender to what ever unfolds, which again in itself is a huge change which will make a huge difference in the quality of life. Once you learn to live in the moment, nothing is more important than the quality of it I've come to figure...which makes sense to me. As long as I'm tranquil I have no need for anything else...nothing.
I'm by the way 22, born november 5th, 1990. I started my spiritual journey summer of 2009 when I was 18 and I'm very, very grateful and proud to go through what I'm going through. I hope you are too! Love and light :)
Comments
i recognize myself so much in your story, and i want to thank you for finding the right words especially about the conversations..
the part about meditating being slightly harder these days might be a result of the stench of negativity that still lingers around us.. for myself i think its pretty hard to keep a positive mind all day long.. this doesnt have to count for you but i get distracted so easily and sometimes i find myself beat down by the past, luckily it takes less time to recover from it each day and hopefully someday the past thats charged with negativity doesnt have to came back anymore..
i dont know what else to say anymore but i wish to you what you deserve and i hope for you that its the best
Namasté, much love
For Hopi, from spirit.
You started your spiritual journey before 5/11/1990, you birthed or incarnated on this conceptual man made date as as human, in 2009 you started to remember who you really are - spirit. remembering how ancient you are and remembering --- you have seen these animals before on other worlds.
And now seeing them threw new eye's as you look around at this reseeded galactic zoo, a mirror collation points of all life threw out this milky way also unlocking your amnesia and remembering spirit I am.
Diving deep into spirit, and under it , were ego was installed to keep you from going, the star gate in your heart has opened to the wonders of all that is. at this point you must stay grounded away from outside ego's helping your installed ego from allowing your deeper remembering’s to take place.
Finding those few that can and will help you to remember is key to staying awake and out of the fog of amnesia, by ego in and outside of you. Ask your questions deep in you not out here were all manner of deception will rock one back to sleep again. All that we need we came into this realm with is complete and deep within us. And come back with things and saying that will help me stay awake as well. This peace I give to you from fare below my ego of installed understanding - it’s a remembering -- not a learning.
I see the shapes too, you aren't alone, friend. In fact I relate to most of what you are sharing, thanks very much. It's wonderful to be awake for this journey, good luck to you :)
Hello Hopi, it sounds like you are changing, as a lot of other people, including myself are.
There was such a sense of calmness around and immediately after the 21st dec, felt by many of us, and although it didn't stay it has reappeared, more and more since then. One night soon after there was an endless supply of creativity pouring through me yet I could only observe it. Others had mentioned they experience the same.
We still have to release our past and like you, I've had a day here and there where I've revisited guilt from eons past, and anger, and on the 1st Jan, myself and others felt a major amount of stress that the planet was still in so much trouble from tyrants, and what if nothing happens. I saw on facebook that I wasn't alone, because on the 2nd jan a lot of people become screaming activists again and even crying and praying for the planet, for an end to all of the troubles.
I've been meditating as much as I can but not always successfully. One day there was a sun in my heart and I knew it was Source emanating creativity and love through me. Laughter formed a small mandala pattern.
Since then we've had amazing news, that legally the tyrants have been successfully challenged to end slavery of all people, saying that we are not their property, we are property of our Creator, and legally there is no comeback. This is awesome.
Some things that used to entertain me are no longer fun, and there is an increase in energy levels, along with confidence to keep going. Where I'm living we seem to have emerged from a depressed rut and everyone is now on a health and fitness plan, effortlessly, all in sync with wanting to do this, and enjoying it. It seems like we are going back to basics, like playing together and needing less escapism, through alcohol or drugs, from our worries about the world. It's like it's over. Nearly.
Last night I dreamt all night on and off that there was a layer of sponge, like a thin mattress hanging over my head and shoulders, front and back, and when I was able to lift it, I felt endless love. I could only manage to lift it about 3 times and the rest of the time was a struggle to lift it.
Whatever is happening it is like nothing I have ever experienced, and each day I'm feeling more and more amazed at what could happen next. I can only see it getting better and better!
I hope the same for you, Hopi! :-)
Wow, sounds like you at least have a lot going on. On 12/20 through 12/23 I was happy; on air for no apparent reason. The sky was amazingly clear and blue and the clouds still seem as if they are painted on the sky. ( still no chemtrails either) Now, however I feel as if I'm waiting for some epiphany or some "sign" to show me what I should be doing next. I am always reading that we should find our joy and live our joy, but I don't feel like I want anything, or want to do anything. It's like I just want to exist and that's all. Maybe I just want to sit and watch what happens but not really be a part of it. That sounds like a cop-out maybe, but it it's what I want isn't that living my joy? All I want to do is meditate.