Critique began as all critiques begin: with doubt. Doubt became the narrative.
Without the freedom to critique, there is no true compliment.” This expression is a function of intention and intention emanates from your thought faculty.” After all, they are not who you are there to impress, you should be there to express who and what you are about, to learn and to experiment.
I applaud you and all for being yourself.
When describing the other person’s behaviour do it objectively or in terms they can understand and agree with, rather than interpreting their behaviour, judging it, or talking about their feelings or underlying issues. This is so they understand what you are talking about, and they aren’t hurt or offended.
When describing feelings, I try to be clear about the difference between feelings and interpretations. You can include both, but be clear about which is which. Your interpretation will often determine your feeling response and what parts get activated.
Make sure not to leave out your emotional reaction though, but take responsibility for that.
Speak for your part, not as your part. Speaking for a part means being in Self and talking about what the part is feeling from a centred place. It is especially problematic to speak as a part that is angry or judgmental, which usually means dumping this on the other person.
This allows you to practice staying in a centred place and applying the communication method in the face of this person’s responses. Many communication methods give you a formula for how to talk to people successfully. However, in those difficult situations where good communication is most needed, human beings don’t communicate in such structured ways. We muddle through. Even at our best, we sometimes get off with each other and need to repair the disconnection.
Set aside your feelings for the moment and concentrate on the other person’s. Listen to their feelings with curiosity and sincerity about what is upsetting them, even if they are misinterpreting what you said or over-reacting to you. Respond to their feelings with understanding and empathy if you can. This means resonating with their feelings and their perceived reason for feeling that way.
Let them know that you understand them by reflecting back what they say or paraphrasing it. For example, “You are feeling angry at me because what I said felt judgmental to you.” Ask them questions to draw them out further about this. “What was it that felt judgmental?”
This is not easy to do and can only work if you are in Self. Watch for parts popping up and interfering with your being able to listen with an open heart, and call a time out if you can’t, so you can listen to your parts first.
Very often we find ourselves in situations when we have to point out other peoples’ mistakes or express our disagreement. Criticism is a tricky business, because very few people are receptive to it and even less people know how to offer it without being offensive or derogative.
Basically if you learn this one skill – the world will be your oyster. Because people will respect your opinion, your friends will value your opinion and seek your advice. Many of your relationship problems will simply disappear, because you will be able to resolve conflicts and miscommunications constructively.
So how do you point out that someone is making a mistake, without hurting their feelings?
How do you give effective feedback to others and make them more amenable to taking on board your suggestions?
How do you stop your own inner critique and refrain from judging yourself?
If you pay attention to dialogues carried on around you, you will soon come to realize that many times people criticize unnecessary. They generalize, make assumptions, and exaggerate. While those, who are being criticized feel hurt and become defensive. Do not be one of these people, who criticize easily. Whenever you are about to say something unpleasant to a person, stop and ask yourself “Why am I saying it?” What good will it do?
If you have found at least 3 different, objective reasons to why you have to share this information then go ahead. Or adopt the stance, where negative feedback is offset between two positive compliments. Now, I personally do not believe much in “sweetening the pill”, but I found that using this ‘step back’ takes my focus away from judgmental thoughts, helping me concentrate on the positive aspects of a person or situation.
Just do it wisely without being superficial.
If you are emotional, angry, upset then whatever you are about to say will do more harm than good. The slightest hint of irritation, superiority, condemnation in your words is guaranteed to put a person into a defensive position. If you want your opinion to be heard, say it from a place of integrity.
Try and Refrain from judgmental thoughts, though sometimes it is easier said than actually practiced, very few are adequately predisposed to naturally doing this.
Many people might not express their opinion out aloud, but they still criticize others inwardly. There is really no difference between saying the words and thinking them. The result is always the same – we are being negative and judgmental. And while criticizing others might give us a temporary sense of superiority, it is in no way making us better, nor helping the person we are judging. Real abiding happiness comes from feeling oneness with people, from acceptance and compassion. Look for something positive in every person you meet and you will be happier.
Besides offering constructive criticism and pointing out what has to be changed, can you also offer a solution, your encouragement or your support? People will be much more receptive to your advice and opinion if they feel that you are sincerely concerned and try to help.
Be honest. Usually dropping submissive hints here and there and trying to smooth the waters is just as ineffective as destructive criticism. Mainly because most people do not understand what you might be trying to say! If you want to help another person, do not shy away from discussing what you think is a problem. Be upfront and convey your feelings with sincerity and open-mindedness.
Avoid Moralizing. I’m sure you would probably agree that “If you are moralize people; you have no time to love them.” Truly magnanimous people never moralize. They let their actions speak louder than words. Try to do the same. Be an inspiration, share your experience, offer your advice, but do not lay upon your shoulders the weight of “weeding out the evils of the world”.
Listen carefully, If a person is explaining their reasons to you, listen! And try to put yourself in their shoes. You might find a better way to explain your own point of view. Or maybe you will change your attitude as well.
One negative action does not make someone a bad person, just like one nice gesture does not make someone a saint. We are destined to make mistakes and correct them. This is how we learn. This is how we grow and improve our character. When there is a problem that needs to be discussed, focus on the issue at hand, not the person them self. A great way to do this is to point out what needs to be corrected and say that you could have easily made the same mistake too.
Let go of the need to be right, this may be difficult to do, especially when you are 100% sure that you are RIGHT. But then again, were you ever sure of something before and it turned out to be a mistake? If you want to help another person, make it about them, not about your need to convince them that your opinion is the only correct one in the room. Yes, people may not always agree with you. They may ignore your advice. They may openly confront you. And that is ok. Because each and every one of us is entitled to have an opinion even an erroneous one.
But small-minded people belittle what they don't understand. It's a fear response out of immaturity -- an unpleasant combination of their ignorance and their fear of their own ignorance. I've found this perception has made it a little easier for me to be thicker-skinned and not take such behaviours so personally and I am able to address it as an uninformed critique, ignoring the personal attack entirely. Even if they mean it as a personal attack (and they often do), it's only because they've been reminded that they feel inadequate."
"It is hard when peers dismiss, ignore or laugh at you and what you're doing, but believe in yourself and draw strength from the fact that you're not just a sheep following the herd. It isn't easy, but you'll get far more out of life than they ever will." We are always being told we have to 'think outside of the box' but only in the way the other person sees it. If we don't see the world their way, we are often criticized. We must be free-thinkers -- their way."
Sometimes, we mistakenly call ‘feedback,’ criticism, but when we state only our observations based on personal judgments, or our opinions, or a list of what’s wrong, it’s not feedback – it’s that criticism thing coming out. Giving feedback is very different from criticizing I think it is it’s an important part of our interpersonal relationships and interactions so I think it’s worth restating
Most often, the purpose of feedback is to provide useful and beneficial information that assists someone in making improvements. It’s got to be useful, it has to be actionable, and it needs to be stated clearly. If used effectively, it can help to find a solution to a situation (or project, etc.) that’s not working as well as it could or a better way to do something e.t.c. Feedback can also be used to reinforce someone’s positive actions and behaviours to make sure they know it’s going well and to continue doing it.
When we look at feedback as information with the goal of improvement, it’s not about glossing over issues or making them not seem as serious as they might really be. It’s about facing them respectfully and honestly while offering suggestions for improvement.
Make sure the time is right. Timing is crucial, the sooner after the situation the better, but if you’re upset about it – or the other person is – take a “time-out.” This is preferable than giving or receiving feedback when one of you is already in a bad mood. Don’t compromise the effectiveness of your feedback with efficiency of delivery.
Choose your words carefully. The way you say something can have a great impact on the receiver. Depending on your choice of words, you can establish an amicable feedback environment or a hostile one. Saying, “You need to do…” or “You’re not doing this properly,” can put the other person on the defensive from the get-go. Using the pronoun “you” makes the comments personal and can be interpreted as condescending or highly critical.
Instead, say “I noticed that…” or “I understand that…” or “it is incorrect”. Beginning feedback phrases this way discusses the action or behaviour that needs to be changed, not the person.
Be descriptive and talk about the facts. Discuss what happened, not how you feel about what happened. Focus on the situation, describe it, and stay objective. Give a reason why it’s an issue and state the impact it had on you and others. When you stick with the facts, you can discuss them more easily. Being specific and clear assists the receiver who then understands what you’re identifying as an issue and what in particular requires changes.
Comments