It can only be described as self torture...

What is this? What am I doing to myself? Am I being used? If I have to ask myself then it is probably the truth. God I pray you give me strength in the time I need it most. I am a sensitive being. I crave the kindness of a true friend -one that I shall meet in person who is like me. I wish for a kind hug and a tender caress. I pray and give thanks. There is a strength inside me that says I shall stay within this torture. I pray that I shall realize why I subject myself to it. Maybe that is all I know, but maybe this is a lesson. Patience and forgiveness I have. But what? All I know is virtue. There is maybe this dark portion of me that knows not. She is underdeveloped -like a child. This struggle is not for any child though. A child would not develop correctly through the decisions I am forced to make. I have worked so hard to become the person I am today. I am happy with myself. I have made faulty choices in the past, but I am quick to learn. I strive to be wise, humble, benevolent, and thoughtful.
Why do I have to choose between the things I love? The world seems cruel. There are things that I care deeply about. Money is not one of those things, but it necessary in this life. Money makes me want to give up hope, but I have to keep going. What else is there to do? I will just keep on keeping on. But what kind of life is that to live? There is so much potential laying inside me to do good for the universe. I must keep to myself and get back on my feet, but I don't exactly know how to do that. Every time I try there is something. I sometimes wish I could go to the forest and live from the land not to be disturbed. That is not fair to the world though. I feel I am needed somewhere.
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  • Hello ∞Mel∞Infinitum ...

    This is great processing you have just shared ... I wouldn't go as far as saying it is self torture .. These thoughts processes are pretty much what we all have felt at some point .. well .. some have been fortunate enough to have been born into the world having spiritual parents and that helps .. However when we haven't we are literally our own guides 'til other turn up and give a little our way.

    You have put your wishes out into the Universe now in regard to meeting ur true friend that is similar to you so now maybe relax and have those nice baths and pamper yourself ..I can always sense when someone has tried their best and wants to be the humble being they are ...

    The world has many cruel aspect about it and it can cloud us in our daily lives if we concentrate on it ... If You can, try mellow into ur dreams and what you wish most to do or resonate with inside yourself .. If you like painting-paint- if you like singing-sing etc ... Don't allow the money worls to bring you down ...and keep the faith that you have something wonderful to offer all ... Take a look if you can at all the different jobs you have had and all the skills you have learned - you will be able to see a bigger picture of what you may be leading up to in regard to your mssion on Earth .. It comes in many ways from all of us how we share our unque gifts to each other and I sense with your intuition and your past skills, there lays a message in your pth you have taken to now and where you may be going.

    In this path from now going forward, once you gather all that you have learne in all way .. well the experiences and skill that stick out the most, you will be able to se thru visual that you also may be walkinga path right to the very friend you sense is out there .. All of it in some how runs into each other ...

    Be kind to yourself and see to how far you have come- and in that itself is a blessing that you are still here knowing that something is coming to you .. usually for myself .. when I have gone thru the process you share here, not too far away is a transformation in the makings ...

    Seems also you would like to lsow down your thoughts .. Well there is a voice inside that will talk to us 'till the cows come home :) and this voice is helpful at times - as it stops us from burning our fingers on a stove if we brush by one on etc .. yet it can also tell us things that make us feel down and not want to be here and so on ...

    If you are in need of silence and feel you need to be in a forest, go find a tree you like and put your back to it and feel it's presence - It's amazing how regenrated we can feel in doing this ...and it slows down the voice inside and gives spece to your creative flow and flow in tune with Mother nature ... Silence in this is so soothing ...Transformations come. Your own unique spirit self can give birth to uplifting new ways of perceiving the world ...

    You are O.K .. and I am grateful You put this blog up for others to read, as this also shows me how we can all easily fall into feeling a littl unsure during a phase in a cycle we are in and also shows that your are honestly being open from the heart, so I hope you keep hopoe in ur pocket a little longer and bring it out every now and then when you sense hope is leaving .. It's never far ...

    Blessings to you .. RJK
    going.in
    Hier entsteht going.in
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