Gee wiz. I woke this morning from another dream, more of an argument.
My face is wet with the tears of frustration.
It will be a long day with this hangover from the ether.
SO, in all this, I am thinking that it would be healthy to write about it, but too weary and shaky. You'd think a dream like this would be full of monsters and scary stuff, Nope.
Dream is trying to convince, to coerce forgiveness, to plead a failed case.
I wake up feeling like I lost, like I am lost. Eh, just a feeling.
Sometimes it seems easy for me to "let go of ego."
Like I am discarding this self that has caused so much trouble.
I have heard myself say on many occasions "My life is forfeit."
Because I gave it up, gave it to God.
So why the tortuous dream about what I "want?" (Mostly rhetorical questions, thank you.)
It sure feels like unfinished business.
And it's doggone frustrating, something I need to do, but am unable.
A black dog chasing it's tail.
BUT, despite my inablitiy to write about it, I came across a paragraph in Jon Rappaport's blog comments that I really wanted to spray paint on a wall somewhere...
Concerning depression:
“You see, people in the depressive position are often stigmatised as ‘failures’ or ‘losers’. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.
If these people are in the depressive position, it is most probably because they have tried too hard or taken on too much, so hard and so much that they have made themselves ‘ill with depression’. In other words, if these people are in the depressive position, it is because their world was simply not good enough for them.
They wanted more, they wanted better, and they wanted different, not just for themselves, but for all those around them.
So if they are failures or losers, this is only because they set the bar far too high.
They could have swept everything under the carpet and pretended, as many people do, that all is for the best in the best of possible worlds.
But unlike many people, they had the honesty and the strength to admit that something was amiss, that something was not quite right.
So rather than being failures or losers, they are just the opposite: they are ambitious, they are truthful, and they are courageous.
And that is precisely why they got ‘ill’.
To make them believe that they are suffering from some chemical imbalance in the brain and that their recovery depends solely or even mostly on popping pills is to do them a great disfavour: it is to deny them the precious opportunity not only to identify and address important life problems, but also to develop a deeper and more refined appreciation of themselves and of the world around them—and therefore to deny them the opportunity to fulfil their highest potential as human beings.” –Neel Burton –Philosopher, Psychiatrist, and general all round Polymath
I have a strong urge to climb a mountain to talk to that old man.
I miss the days of having a wise counselor provide me a menu of choices, options for proceeding. Here's my psychiatry joke:
The shrink I trusted spoke: "Well, you seem to have a reactive personality, you tend to operate in a reality of others opinions.
Perhaps the best course would be to determine your own wants, needs, desires--and allow them to prioritize your actions..."
"That's a great idea, Doc.
If that's what you think I ought to do, then that's what I'll do!" Ha.
Buddha taps me on the shoulder with the reminder that "desire is the source of suffering and to end desire is to end suffering."
Two conflicting messages from two different perspectives.
And I whirl...perhaps straddling the paradox isn't enough, should I seek to be propelled by paradox?
Days like this I wish I'd purchased the home electro-stim kit rather than the vaporizer.
High volts make the bad dreams go away, I'm told.
Shine Bright.
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