I remember the first time I fell in love. And I remember just as clearly the pain I encountered after the breakup, when I discovered how very, very wrong I was about that supposed true love. It took me many karmic cycles to discover that there were wounds festering inside of me, and these unhealed parts of myself led me to seek out a love which was not only unhealthy, but in many cases was not love at all.
Have you ever experienced this? Do you remember how utterly convinced you were of true love, only to later be wrong? Or to give it a degree of separation, have you seen a loved one headed for a broken heart or chasing a person who is so wrong for them, and tried to warn them? You might as well be talking to a brick wall right?
Those experiences of grappling with my own delusion opened up new levels of understanding inside of my being. I realized that this mind and emotional body, they could at times deceive me, hijack me, and take me down dangerous and painful roads, unless I figured out how to heal, repair, surgically remove, or tame the parts of me which ran my vessel off the road. I liken it to a car that’s been in a bad car accident, many times you must drive such a car carefully – if you let your hands off the wheel it will likely drift (or lurch) toward the breakdown lane. My ‘car didn’t drift towards the ditch, it lurched!
As I have continued my healing process I have found this phenomenon in many different places in life besides falling in love. The emotional power of our bodies and minds is staggering, and when left unchecked it can wreak havoc in our lives. It can feed denial and keeps us in unhealthy patterns. It closes us off from avenues which could offer us healing, because there is such an investment already made in a different viewpoint. It is a wild vine which can grow and grow inside of us until it touches and infects every part of our being.
I remember when I was much younger and studying to be a minister in a Christian church. It was an amazing learning experience which I am very thankful for to this day. There is something special about understanding the viewpoints of others, so I have no regrets that my beliefs today make a distinct departure from Christianity. At the very least, I understand what many other people believe, and that helps me communicate more effectively with them. But if you had tried to tell me 20 years ago that someday I wouldn’t be a Christian, I might have clenched my fist as I formulated my answer, because I was so gung-ho about the carpenter from Nazareth. Even today he is a great teacher, but I’ve opened my horizons to make room for other great teachers.
There was one aspect of some Christian churches which I had great interest in but had never experienced; speaking in tongues. The church I belonged to did not speak in tongues, but at the time I was living in the US in the South, and there are plenty of churches in that area which do speak in tongues. When I would come across these brothers and sisters I would pick their brains for everything I could about their experience. I remember one man in particular whom I worked with who spoke in tongues. I probably talked with him the most about this topic simply because we spent so much time together. What I remember most is how convinced, how utterly 100% convinced he was that he was exhibiting a ‘gift of the spirit’ as he called it. He believed that he spoke in the language of angels, as did each Pentecostal or tongue-speaking Christian whom I met. But what sticks with me the most is the sincerity of these good people. They believed so strongly and their proclamation of this was SO sincere, that for some years I wondered if somehow they were experiencing something I was not, that perhaps they had some sort of gift which differed from my set of gifts.
For some years after I left the church I continued my search for contact with something more divine than we, something which exists beyond the veil of this place. I know there is a boundary, and I am convinced that part of me resides there, but despite my most sincere efforts I have not experienced anything that I can definitively call crossing over. I meditate, read Tarot, and practice a formidable level of awareness in this human experience, but have not been able to contact any higher beings. So of course it is curious to me the many others who seem to so easily tap into source, or channel an arch angel, or channel a book. It is ironic in a way, because this desire for something external (and not getting it) has led me to so much self-reflection! Examining myself, wondering if I’ve somehow done something wrong, and finally through awareness realizing there’s no way to do it wrong. Even if someone is doing it different than you, that’s their experience, their lesson which will lead them to truth one day. And what I’m experiencing is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Through this process of awareness and reflection I have made some changes. I’m not reaching out anymore looking for anything outside of myself, I look within. Through awareness and clearing work I have discovered everything I needed to make this current experience a paradise. I still use Tarot for introspection, except now I do so with the understanding that it is my higher self that I am communicating with. My readings these days are profound and often bring tears because they hit so close to home. Making contact no longer holds the preoccupation it once did in my life. Being here in this moment, there’s just no place for trying to get someplace else.
If you’ve been cringing while reading this, holding your breath for the moment when I debunk all who experience something different from me, sorry I'm not going there. I can no more disprove what others experience than I can prove what I'm experiencing is real. Hell, I don't think this place IS real, so I'm only interpreting an illusion from my perspective. I can’t speak for anyone else and their experience – I can only listen, observe, and try to understand them in light of what I am experiencing. If we could do the Vulcan mind-meld this would all be so simple! But we can’t, at least not yet… so until then I watch, soak up these experiences, and seek to understand.
But I will say that I remember how convinced I was when I first fell in love so long ago. And I also remember how convinced I was when I first called on the name of Jesus as the only path to salvation. I’m not ashamed about being wrong in those past choices, and I now more fully understand why I made them at the time. In so many ways these experiences shaped me into who I am today - I can’t take them back without drastically affecting the consciousness I now treasure. But at the time, I was blind to the truth which I am now more aware of. So when I encounter a channeled message which contradicts itself, or displays elements of control, domination, pandering, or even the incessant “dear ones” talk, I wonder if this is a person who is holding on too tight to a belief, as I myself have done. I generally do not speak out against them, because it does little good and sometimes even entrenches them deeper into that experience. It is a challenge to discern where the thin gray line is, the line that says “First do no harm” on it. I err on the side of caution since I remember how impossible it was to reach me in those days. At the same time I am learning how to lovingly share my perspective, because I have in the past suppressed my truth so as not to openly disagree with others. Some day I believe we will all be on the same page. Maybe not on this side of the veil, but hopefully on the other.
Until that day, use your own human experience as your guide, and find what resonates with the core of your being. If you pray, include in your prayers that you be shown truth. And wherever you are on the path, try to love everyone. They are shadows of you, past present and future. You are here for a reason and that reason is to love. Everything else will make itself clear in time.
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Beautifully written Shaku :)