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Realization doesn't happen to anyone

Posted by Björn C. Vega on June 14, 2009 at 3:00pm
Firstly before I try to explain anything, let me point out that It's difficult to explain these things while still using words like Me, Myself, Mine, You, I etc; Simply because there really isn't anyONE or anyTHING to be realized, yet realization, in lack of a better word, seems to happen.There is nothing to be attained by a person seeking so called "enlightenment". Seeking it in the first place is brought up by the illusory identity residing with the self which in fact has nothing to do with identity at all. There really is no person or real seperate identity. But our mind/body organisms have been fed for ages with thoughts that bring about the belief in us being separate individuals by basically, as I see it, installing a "vibrational cage".All these things I had read about alot before and I thought that I basically understood it. Maybe that was the problem. For you see, as long as "I" think that I understand that, well, there is still someone there who can understand it. It's all very paradoxical I know. But there isn't anything to understand, thats the whole deal. It's rather the oposite.On the surface it might seem that I am trying to tell you that there has been some kind of realization for me. Even though that simply cannot be it. But still I am very briefly going to try to explain how that came about.I have been searching for something all my short life (Im 27). The spiritual search started around when I was 14-15. One path led to another and I was convinced that there was something called enlightenment. So that was where I based my primal sence of meaning and security in this world. Also I had many other attachments out in this world for making me feel like I have a meaningfull and secure life. And so as it happened I had moved away from home for the first time, relatively quite a long way, and about 3 years had passed since then. And as it happened my girlfriend broke up with me which was really devestating for me. I had so much sence of meaning and security for myself based in that relationship. And as It also happened about the same time, I lost faith in my spiritual path, which was my nr. 1 sence of meaning and security. All these things led to me moving back to my hometown again.Now I felt kind of like a dying stranded whale. Apart from all sence of meaning and security being ripped away I also had no job. This led to a deep existential depression and anxiety. All my safetylines in the external world had been cut. I felt like I was litteraly dying and that scared the hell out of me. Everything felt completely meaningless. It felt just as meaningless to kill myself as it felt to keep on living. This lasted for some months but eventually kind of faded and I forgot about it. Then maybe a year or so later the same mindset returned again. Only this time I saw that what had made feel so deeply depressed before was in fact because of a fear I met while it felt as if i was dying. But now I was not afraid anymore. So the fear of Me dying dissapeared and to my atonishment there was absolutely NOTHING left behind it. I couldn't really find myself because it was all just like a never ending empty space or vacuum.I realized that the Self which I thought I was really was not me. It had no identity. The self was just like a computerprogram being used by the mind. When I tried to think about me as being the Individual Björn, it all just felt dead. It was like "I" had died. But really, there was no I in the first place. It had been just a mere illusion.In this "state" I can see much more clearly how the "I" before was so dependant on extracting happiness or positive energy from my surroundings. Running around chasing positive feelings. But such things as positive and negative energy or feelings now seem just like something that the Self with it's idenetity is interested in. Positive - negative, why be dependant on those for your so called happiness? Why even have the need to be happy? Having a need is just a clinging to something in the external, and as we know the external always changes which means you are going to have to keep on searching all the time for different things to cling to to extract this so called "happiness", love or whatever. And all this time your life is going in waves of "happiess" and then unhappiness as the external changes yet again. Things brought on by the external are always conditional and not unconditional. And ALL this constant running around is based on our belief that there IS a person there at all. That there is a seeker.Yet there is nothing "you" can do about it. Becaue the whole act of you trying to do somehting about it still acts from the illusion that there is such a thing as you. So you tell me, who is this person trying to get enlightenment?Sure, there are still things like fear and worries being experienced, absolutely, but not as much as before. The thing is, they seem kind of unreal. They are happening but so what? What am I going to do about it?I can't say there is an experience of oneness with everything that is. Although it feels kind of like... since I am not there, whatever is experienced is what is there, be it a chair or anything else. There is no person experiencing it.I thought I was going to be brief about this, apparently there was more to be said than I thought =)
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Tags: anxiety, depression, enlightenment, mind, non-duality, realization, self, suffering, thoughts
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