Part 2
To pick up where I left off, I was attempting to explain the complexities of my recall ability. As I mentioned earlier, we all have "flashbulb" memories in our lives. My "flashbulb" just fires a lot more... and I usually pay no attention to it. It's automatic. I'm not aware that I am even doing it. It is something I have always just taken for granted.
This ability has its obvious advantages. I can recall conversations that I had years ago, to the exact letter... I remember every joke I have ever been told. I remember every piece of music I have ever listened to. I never forget faces, voices, places, events or even the weather. Do you remember where you were exactly one year ago today? I do... I remember the entire day.
I am not writing this as a braggart... yelling "hey, look what I can do!" Not at all. I am quiet by nature, and I love anonymity. This is why so very few know any of this about me.
I do wonder, at times, if I am here as a "watcher" or "listener"...
My memory skill developed really early. I was reading proficiently by age 3; reading at a high school level by the time I hit first grade. I was tagged as "gifted", of course, and put through the wringer with all of the IQ tests, aptitude tests, psychologists, etc. and all of my scores were off of the charts. They tried to make me a guinea pig. I wanted no part in any of it. I became the quintessential underachiever... it wasn't because I didn't want to learn, I just never saw the point of doing it their way.
There was always enough family drama to keep me under the radar, so I stayed well under it. Out of sight, out of mind... I got out of there as soon as I could, and I got as far away as possible. I can't say that I have never looked back, because I have never had that option... not with an eidetic memory, anyway. I look back whether I want to or not.
Most people have blocks and filters in their memories, as I understand it. A way of being able to forget the worst things that have happened to them... the really bad traumas. I have none of those blocks or filters. The absolute worst parts of my life are every bit as clear as everything else. This is why I said earlier that getting in to the wrong memory can be brutal. When I do recall one of the bad ones, I can literally experience the entire trauma all over again, and it can be just as terrifying for me as when it first happened. I can also relive all of my mistakes, bad judgements, and every bad thing that I have ever done to another. I never get away from it, it's always there.
At times in the past, the bad memories would hit randomly. I may have heard a song on the radio that triggered the memory... I may have seen a particular make/model/color of a vehicle... I never really know at first. When those memories hit, they hit hard. I don't always recognize the specific triggers... but if I do, I take note and store that for another day. The next time my memory keys into that trigger, I know what is there and I can deflect around it, to a point. To this day, I have many bad memories that haven't yet been triggered. I know what they are. I know they are there. I will deal with them when I get to them.
I do carry a few memories that aren't really mine. All I have ever gotten are glimpses of them. They are old... out of time and place. Pieces of a former lifetime? Memories of when I was someone else? I don't really know. I may dig further into that, later in my journey.
I think I will stop here for the evening. I'm tired. I have also dredged up many memories in this process... it may take awhile to get my brain to quiet down for the night.
I again welcome any questions or comments :)
Part 3 tomorrow...
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