Spiritual Blogs

This is my story that I'd like to share with you. I'm a young woman from a Eastern European country, who grew up into a broken home. My mother had to support the whole family, as my dad didn't care about any of us at all. She took us kids and moved to a neighbour country. Dad promised he'd come and join us, but he lied, he never did. Our life has been tough, but we certainly managed. 

I've been a spiritual, really spiritual child since birth. I remember that I was fascinated with legends and myths. I was extremely imaginative and creative, but also really melancholic and quiet. Despite that I could hardly see my mother as well, because she had to work all the time, and had to go on trips to other cities, she got into some really big trouble. It was so serious, that she had to take me away from home and send me over to her sister for a whole year. That was probably the saddest, loneliest year of my life. Had to live in a small village with no friends at all. The school kids were rather harsh and sly with me, constantly asking for money from me, and if I didn't give any to them, they'd bully and even physically attack me. All because I was a city kid, and they thought I was rich. All of my girlfriends were looking to get things from me, and even steal. I'd sit in front of the house on the bench, be it winter in the cold, and compose poems about nature. Nature fascinated me to such a degree, that I thought it was a living being that actually listens and talks to me. And not only that, but it was extremely beautiful. I was really fascinated with nature, and have been ever since. I was 9 years old.

Growing up in the new country wasn't easy. Had to deal with all the discrimination related to the fact that I was an expat, and always remained so, even if I fully integrated. One thing I ever wanted was to find love. That's the thing I craved the most. 

My parents brought me into religion since early times. I remember I'd pray along with them, but I actually believed and enjoyed doing so. I believed strongly. At age 12, I started looking for the right church. Frequented a few, but didn't settle until I was 14, with the Mormon/LDS church. After a few years of maximum dedication, I started to question the beliefs. The church was putting a lot of restriction on its people, with many rules that were not even necessary, and counter-productive even. I started to question the actual history of it. The fact that people shunned me and treated me badly for the fact that I was just not faithful in a mechanical/robot way, made it easier for me to break free from it. I've always been a free spirit, and a warrior one at that. I always fought for my beliefs and my faith. I've always been hard to pin down as well, as church people tried to manipulate me into becoming as they saw fit, through using emotional blackmail and shaming/guilt tacticts. This made me wonder even more, and therefore, rebel more. All in all, I recall my church years as being very frustrating, lonely, depressing and desperate. Overall, miserable. I felt like a lion locked in a cage and constantly tormented. At 19, my closest friends backstabbed me, including my then best friend. They turned a lot of people against me and laughed at my problems simply because I was depressed. This feeling of having the world up against me lead me to a suicide attempt. After an excruciating experience, I came out new. I was empty and dead inside. Somehow, still went to church after 3 months later, because that was the only entourage I had. 

At 15, at church, at 10 pm, inside the villa that the church was, I turned off the lights in the hall and felt someone pass by me. It even moved the hair on the back of my neck. It was for the first time I officially felt a presence around me. I turned the lights back on real quick, but it was no one. At 19, shortly after the suicide attempt, one day, I was a little ill with a cold. Took a Paracetamol and went into my bed to relax. My mother was caring for me, but she had to go soon. I fell asleep rather very quick. As soon as I closed my eyes, I opened them half way, but the lights in the room were changed. The light colors were extremely bright, with rays coming out of them, and the dark ones were extremely dark, with also rays coming out of them, but jet black rays. The overall look of the room was cold. I felt as if I had been sleeping for so long, and felt as if I just woke up from a heavy hang over. I saw people passing by, all dressed in black suits, some were even transparent. Many were standing and watching me, others were just walking by. I saw my grandpa (that died before I was even born, but I had seen pictures of him). He didn't come to me, though, he just passed. There was, however, an old woman, but in good shape. She was thin, her skin was extremely pale, her eyes were icy light blue, looked like a Husky dog's. Her hair was jet black and straight almost to her shoulders. She was also dressed in a black suit. She was standing in the middle of the room, watching me with a fixated look. Three more came, looking just like her. I looked down at myself while stood up on my rear. Lifted my hands and stared at them. Noticed that the hands I was moving, which felt as real as the ones I am moving nw to type, were not my physical hands.My body was laying on the bed, with my hands resting along it. I realized I wasn't in my body anymore, but I was perfectly conscious and in control, just like I am now. I saw the 4 entities come towards me, surrounded me and grabbed me by my waist. They started to pull me up. The more they pulled, the more I felt I was losing my roots to this realm, the more I felt the material things around me, including the walls of my room, dissapear. I could see them all, but  an infinite space started feeling around me. The sky was pulling me up like a vacuum. I was afraid that if they had pulled me up completely, I would have been sucked up into the sky and never would have been able to come back, because I felt helpless. I also knew that it wasn't my time to die, and so I panicked. Started calling for mom, but my voice was weak. I still did my best. When I realized that she couldn't hear me, I felt so helpless and powerless, that a unique, desperate feeling took over me. My cat sensed something, and she became agitated. She went to mom, who was in another room, and meowed at her nervously. Mom asked her what was wrong, in a baby voice, and the cat basicly lead her to me. Mom saw me and grabbed my hand, calling my name. The entities ran away as soon as my mother came to wake me up. I felt how I actually got into my body, then saw black, then woke up in my physical body. Mother told me I was very pale and cold when she got to me.

I always remembered this experience. At first, I took it as something negative, but now I know that it was a wake-up call for me. It was time to Know. This was when I really was convinced of the Spirit world. I was convinced that there is a life after death, that there are other realms to this 3 dimensional one. And this is how it all began.

At 21, I got dumped by a young man I thought I loved. I was so heartbroken, that I had to go to a therapist. The moment she and I began our session, there was an enormous bond between us. She was extremely excited about me. She didn't even want to talk to me about my problem for which I came. She told me that my problem was trivial, puny, something I should not even ponder over. She told me that she knew what I was going through, at a grand scale, and how important I was at a spiritual level. She told me that she already knows who I am, what I am and what I'm here for, but that it is my journey to find out all this, all on my own. She suggested that I go to this library that she recommended where they only sell books on spiritualism and religion. My task was to pick a book on a topic that I intuitively felt I had to know. After some thinking time, I chose a book on Confucius. Further more, I began searching into Buddhism. During this time, I was still going to church on and off. I couldn't go every Sunday over there, as more than two weeks of attending church was starting to depress me again, so, I only went twice, two Sundays, and then a pause of four weeks or more, and so on. I searched into Buddhism and found out about the wheel of life, reincarnation, how this life is like a dream, that our souls have an age, that we spiritually progress through many lifetimes, not only this one. I began feeling curious about my own soul age, my own progress and where I am at with it. I wanted to know what my place is in the spiritual realm. To help me heal, my therapist re-arranged my chakras through a Reiki practice, as she is a Reiki practitioner. She even measured my energy's age (soul). I am not supposed to tell it, as she instructed, but we both were surprised and amazed about it. I took myself slowly. From buddhism, I came to the conclusion that religion/churches are what's been keeping me in one place, and what hurt my vibration quality, as they kept me frustrated, angry, depressed because of all the restrictions and guilt manipulation. I realized that religions aren't what they seem to be, and that they are actually poisonous to the soul. Slowly, I stopped going to church at all. 

I moved to Germany more than a year ago, where I also found the love of my life. I remember that my therapist told me that I was born at this time and age for a reason. I never knew what she meant by that. Finding him has been bringing more stability to my life, because love is beautiful. In the past year, my empathy level has increased dramatically. I'm more emotional than ever. I can't stand violence, hostility, injustice of any kind. When people, animals, nature suffer, it hurts me deep into my soul. It shakes me very hard that most of the times, I can't help myself but cry hard. My sleeping patterns changed dramatically. I even did what I could never do before: changed my diet to a no-meat one. I feel much better since I quit eating meat. I crave it still, but not nearly as much as I used to. Actually, I have energy, but I don't feel hungry at all, especially now. It's almost as if I feed myself with air. I have barely eaten anything in days, but I feel as though I've been eating regularly. I can't describe it, but it's different. When I meditate, I feel so close to nature. Actually, always. I feel Mother Earth as one. I feel I am part of it, one with it, and with the Universe. I sense animals as I do humans. They are like humans to me. The love I feel for nature, animals, is so different and great, that, every time I think about it, I feel it as a lost sibling that I forgot about, but that I deeply love. It almost has human-like qualities. Humanity...It frightens, dissapoints me, makes me bitter, angry, sad. I often feel hopeless when I think about it, but I am looking for those that have awakened. 

When I moved with my boyfriend into this new apartment, I have been seeing spirits here. Actually, I see them everywhere, occasionally. I hear, feel and see them. It's been driving me crazy for a time. Had to pretend like I am unbothered and serene, because otherwise, I felt that I was going to lose my mind if I kept thinking about them being here around me. I still see and feel them, but, from pretending that I don't see them, I've come to ignore tham outright. I know they are afraid of me, some, but they still watch me. 

I recently left Facebook and other sites that I would frequent. Opinions are part of me, and as I mentioned, I'm pretty much the warrior. But now, I feel that these things are becoming obstacles for me. I've fought all my life against the winds, when, in reality, you cannot change someone who is blind and deaf. I've also made mistakes myself, plenty, and I've always been ashamed of myself because of this. But I also know that without mistakes, one will never learn.

I also had a dream with me travelling from planet Earth, along with a partner, into another Earth, to solve a conflict between a group of people there. I know that was in its own way, a lucid dream.

My hearing, vision and senses have sharpened greatly. My intuition is extremely strong, so strong, that I feel certain people and where they are, what they do. I cannot be lied to, because somehow, I just know. Another odd thing is that I can influence electronics. Lightbulbs burn out(explode quickly, computers stop working, televisions as well. I was mad at my boyfriend, twice, for playing online too much, and I thought out for his Internet connection to stop working...and it actually stopped working immediately after that, each time. I see auras in everything. When I look at people, animals, plants, I see their aura, including my own.

Overall, I am slowly moving the right direction, I hope. It is very confusing, still, but I think that things are getting better. I'm only at the beginning. Still have a lot to learn, very much so. Things are getting more and more intense, and changes are being made.

One thing I know: I am free, as one should be. Everything I've ever learned has been turned upside down, or completely dismissed from my system. This journey is complicated and full of obstacles, but as I've learned, the Light is infinitly more powerful than the Dark, therefore, it will always win.

I know that we all are part of the Source, we came from there and we carry it inside us, deep within these dense layers of flesh. It's there, we are it, we are one with the Earth, everything on it and with the Universe. We are made of love, and this love is Light.